* * Becoming an Adopt ive Family: What is t he experience really - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

* Loss, Grief and Separation To Recognize is t o Heal LaJeune Williams, MS W, LCS W

Tell me about yourself * How many fost er parent ? * How many adopt ive parent ? * How many child welfare professionals? * Writ e down your loss(es) in 2018? *

* Becoming an Adopt ive Family: What is t he experience really like? * Think t hrough t he Process * Expect an Emot ional Journey * Prepare for t he Long Haul *

* Care Coordinat or and Diabet es Navigat or (Raphael Healt h Cent er, Indianapolis, IN) * Over 20 Y ears of Child Welfare experience * Public S peaker (specialized in Balancing Mind, Body and S oul, S afe Tots, Working with Biological Families & Mental Health and African-Americans) * Intro to the Presenter: Professional

* Mot her (Birt h, Guardianship and Adopt ion) * Guardian t o a special needs adult (former fost er child) since 2005. * Fost er Parent (2001-2015) * Adopt ive Mom (1 st adopt ion in 2008 and 2 nd adopt ion in 2015) *

* * Define Grief and Loss and the S tages * Understanding Children, Parents’ (Foster/ Biological/ Adoptive) Reaction to S eparation * Understanding Children and Biological Parent’s Reaction to S eparation * * Helping Foster/ Adoptive Families Cope with Grief, Loss and S eparation * S elf Care tips, S upport S uggestions and Activities

* Loss is produced by an event which is perceived t o be negat ive by t he individuals involved. This can result in long-t erm changes t o one’s social sit uat ions, relat ionships, or t hinking. *

* Grief is t he emot ional, physical and behavioral react ion t o loss. *

* Shock * Anger * Bargaining * Depression/Sadness * Understanding/Resolution/Accepta nce * StageS of grief and LoSS

* Many people do not experience the stages of Grief and Loss in the order presented here and that is ok. The key is to understand the stages, not to feel like you must go through them in a precise order.

Rather than a series of stages, think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Remember: Grief is a natural response to a loss

* Shock/Denial * It is hard to display your feelings * Avoids others (family, friends, professionals) * Deny the event happen * Refusal to acknowledge * Something that surprises and can upset people * (D)on’t (e)ven k(n)ow (I) (a)m (l)ying about the reason for the loss

* You feel guilty about the loss * You blame others for the loss * Strong feeling of being upset because of something wrong or bad * Anger/Protest

* Try to “ bargain” with whoever is thought to have the power to change the situation. * To bring to a desired level * Make promises to do what is necessary to get back whatever was lost(staying clean, no bad behaviors, even recant the abuse/ neglect). * Have a belief that a certain way of thinking or behaving will serve to prevent the loss. * Bargaining

* A st at e of feeling sad * Wit hdrawal * Change in eat ing pat t erns * Change in sleeping pat t erns * Thought s of suicide * Effect s in personal life * Effect s in professional life * Depr press ssion/ n/Sadne ness ss

* The person begins t o respond t o t he people around him/ her in a more “ normal” manner * The person begins t o reorganize life and finds feeling of hope inst ead of despair. * No longer sad, mad, or in shock * Resolution/Acceptance/ Understanding

* Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

* When a child enters your home, whether through foster care or adoption, they come with a tremendous amount of grief and loss.

* As a child ( before age * As an adult , which one 18 years old), which of t he losses on t he one of t he losses on next slide have you t he next slide have you experience? experience? *

Losses that include birth parents , extended family , home , pets , neighborhoods, schools , friends , treasured belongings , and culture.

* Found the room(s) smell differently * Couldn’ t find the toilet in the middle of the night * Hated the food being served in the home * Wanted to turn on or off the lights * The temperature in the home is uncomfortable * Allergic and/ or fearful of the pets in the home * Bedtime of the family was a lot earlier or later than your own routine *

* Adult * Child *

Separation from persons to whom we are closely attached is always experienced as a loss. The loss of one’s parents is generally the most significant loss a child/ adult can experience. When a child is removed from their parent(s) , his/ her attachment systems are challenged in a way that may affect their relationships for the rest of their life . *

* Did you know? * It is now considered * In the past, Foster desirable that Foster Parents were warned Parents and Children not to get too attached attach to one another to nurture healthy future to the children in their attachments for the child. care.

* Working wit h Behaviors * S ocial S ervices Turnover * Children come t o Fost er Care for numerous reasons. S ome behaviors can be mild t o ext reme. * Working in t he Child Welfare S yst em can be challenging and st ressful which oft en leads t o t urn over The C Chal allenges of of * Being a Bei a Foster/ r/Adop optive Paren ent

* Y * Lack of qualified ou can’ t come visit if you are bringing “ t hat childcare kid” * Please give ot her * Bio kids ashamed of examples t heir fost er/ adopt ive siblings’ behaviors * Taking t ime off work *

* Compassion * Burnout: Fatigue : “ feeling of characterized as a deep sympathy and cumulative events sorrow for another who is that are fueled by stricken by suffering or misfortune, accompanied stress, supervision by a strong desire to and highly alleviate the pain or demanding j ob remove the cause * Let’s Talk about what can happen to us

* Be honest wit h yourself, t alk it over wit h your social service support s or * Int eract ing wit h Birt h Family someone you t rust * Keep appoint ment s wit h t he birt h families and remain posit ive in front of your foster child(ren) * The Challenges of Being a Foster/Adoptive Parent

* An overworked Court system can really add t o t he challenge of fost er parent ing. * Court S yst em * Remember t he Judge has t he final word on which direct ion a case goes, whet her t hat be t erminat ion or reunificat ion. * The Challenges of of Being a a Fos oster P r Par arent

* As a Foster Parent you * Being Part of a Team are automatically a part of a team (Y ou are a licensed professional) * It can be difficult working with a team (social workers, court officials, therapist(s), birth family, etc.) * Be prepared and show up with an open mind * The Challenges of Being a Foster Parent

* Loss of a child t o * Loss of personal anot her placement relat ionships (divorce, (relat ive, resident ial, deat h of love one, new permanency plan employment , et c. ) even deat h) * Loss of providers, case * Loss of a child t o workers, t eam reunificat ion members, et c. * Loss of informal * Remember your kids support s due t o being a fost er parent experience loss t oo * Various Losses for a Foster/Adoptive Parent

* Loss of informal * Loss of personal support s due t o being relat ionships (divorce, a fost er/ adopt ive deat h of love one, parent employment, dream et c. ) *

* Day t o Day Decision making * Role and/ or ident it y as a parent * Respect of family, communit y and friends * Loss of income and t he relat ed benefit s *

* “ My” S t at ement * “ Where was I” pict ures, discussions of family event s * “ My ident it y” where do I fit in * Am I ever t reat ed different ly * Does adopt ion mean forever *

* Allow Yourself to Grieve * First and foremost , you need t o grieve. Allow yourself t o grieve for all t he various aspect s of t his loss. Grieve for: * The children you always dreamed of raising and will never know. * The life you had always planned t o live. * The mot her or fat her you expect ed t o be. * The loss of t he cert aint y and innocence of life. *

* When children are strongly desired and you learn you can’t have them, it is a deep and profound loss. It requires the process of grieving every bit as much as the death of a loved one does *

* Interfere with attachment to other children/ afraid to get close * Premat urely wit hdraw * Take on a form of anger emot ionally from t he child (resulting in complaints) when a move is planned as * Leave little energy for way of warding off grief yourself, your family members(which can * When t he child want s more cause marital strain, involvement wit h bio family parent-child difficulties) * Unresolved Grief for Foster/Adoptive Parents

* Loss, regardless of the relationship can be difficult. * Let ’s t alk about some act ivit ies t o help wit h t he grief process for Fost er/ Adopt ive Parent (s): * Take care of yourself physically (Y our mind and body are connected) * Forgive (That also means forgive yourself) * S hare your pain with others you trust * Tune into what you are feeling