MADETOBELONG Becoming a Trauma-Sensitive and Engaged Faith Community
Webinar Recordings, Slides & Handouts: americaskidsbelong.org/trauma-informed Until May 6 th Suggested Donation $25
NEWLY ADDED! Zoom Trauma Q & A with Lindy & Krista Questions from Weeks 1 & 2: Friday, April 17, 11 am central Questions from Weeks 3 & 4: Friday, May 1, 11 am central Watch for Registration Link in Your Follow Up Email from today!
Hurt by Neglect and Abuse. Healed through Attachment.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT BUILDING OUR UNDERSTANDING Attachment Trust = Attachment Bonding physically and emotionally to caregiver for needs to be met.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Baby Caregiver Baby’s Baby Learns Cries Responds Needs are Met Trust & Self Worth Depending on how and when a caregiver responds to a baby’s cry will impact the infant’s ability to trust and realize “I can trust. My voice matters.”
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Baby Caregiver Does Baby’s Baby Learns Cries NOT Respond Needs are Unmet Fear & Distrust “I can’t trust. My voice doesn’t matter.”
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Attachment Theory 1930’s research by Bowlby & Ainsworth called Strange Situation Attachment is either SECURE or INSECURE
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Attachment Theory Emotional Development Relational Development Physical Development Brain Development ATTACHMENT
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Attachment Theory If you experienced and built secure attachment, you can comfortably demonstrate the following: I can ask for help and communicate my needs, because I learned my voice matters. ● I can let my parent/spouse know I need encouragement, a hug, etc. ● I am aware of and recognize my strengths AND weaknesses. ● I can try new things and take risks. ● I can give AND receive in relationship. (i.e. compliments, care, comfort, confrontation)
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Attachment Theory The following may be more likely for someone with an insecure attachment style: ● I never ask for help. I know how to take care of myself. (survival skills) ● My parent/spouse may encourage me, but I won’t ask for it, I may even dismiss it. ● I tend to only recognize my strengths or only recognize my weaknesses. ● I need to control everything in order to feel safe. ● I’m really good at taking care of everyone else at the expense of my own needs.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Relationship Strategies: What’s Your Love Style? Milan & Kay Yerkovich authors of How We Love “Our experiences growing up, good and bad, leave a lasting imprint in our souls that determine our beliefs and expectations about how to give love and receive love.” How We Love
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Love Style: The Secure Connector As a child... ● My parents were attentive and tuned in to my needs ● I learned to trust and was comfortable needing others ● I learned respect by parental interactions and the way they taught me to respect others ● My emotions (fear, sadness, shame, anger) were allowed in my home
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Love Style: The Avoider As a child... ● My parents were unable to tune into my feelings ● Very little, if any, physical affection and emotional connection from my parents ● Independence pleased my parents ● I heard phrases like “don’t cry” or “don’t cause a scene” ● Tasks, politeness, and a strong work ethic were of utmost importance ● When I was upset, I rarely received comfort
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Love Style: The Pleaser As a child... ● My parent (s) was overly protective, worried, angry, anxious, and/or critical ● I learned to comfort and appease my parent ● I absorbed tension and internalized the feelings of others ● I was rescued and/or sheltered from stressful situations ● I felt abandoned or experienced separation from a parent ● I avoided expressing anger or frustration
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Love Style: Vacillator As a child... ● I received sporadic and unpredictable connection in my home ● Unspoken message: “Be available/need me when I feel like parenting” ● I experienced periods of abandonment ● At times, my parents truly connected with me, but it was very inconsistent ● I grew hyper attuned to signs of connection and abandonment ● Unspoken message: “Survive on your own when I don’t feel like parenting” ● I learned to exaggerate my feelings to be noticed and maintain contact
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Love Style: Chaotic As a child... ● My home environment was chaotic, unpredictable, and often scary ● My parent (s) struggled with numerous addictions, mental illnesses, or was absent ● I learned to survive by either fighting back OR becoming invisible ● I learned to control others OR be controlled ● I reenacted, through “play”, the things I saw, heard, or experienced ● I felt depressed or anxious most of the time ● I would dissociate as a way to cope or escape my current reality ● I experienced some kind of abuse or trauma whether inside or outside my home
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT How Can You Help We will parent or care for children the same way we were parented…unless we are mindful to change our relational strategies. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Hebrews 12: 13
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT How Can You Help Explore Your Own Attachment Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 We believe that in order to be the best versions of ourselves and the healthiest adults for children who have experienced trauma ( or any child for that matter) , we MUST be able to look at our own stuff and do heart work.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Take the Love Style Quiz for Yourself: www.howwelove.com/love-style-quiz Example: The Avoider As a adult... ● I am self-sufficient and overly independent ● I prefer to avoid vulnerability, neediness, and emotions ● My emotional life is underdeveloped - “I just don’t have feelings” ● I appear distant and unengaged ● I comfort myself in nonrelational ways: exercise, work, food, shopping, alcohol, etc. ● I describe my childhood as “fine” and have very few memories of it ● I dislike the question, “What are you feeling?” or “How do you feel about that?”
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Here are some additional questions for self-reflection to get you started: ● Is there a love style you identify with more than the others based on your experience as a child? ● How does your attachment style influence or affect the way you parent or interact with the children in your life? ● Does one style describe the way you were raised or are currently raising your own children? ● What emotions could you safely express in your home growing up, and how might that impact the way you react to a child’s emotions? We hope you choose to at least explore your own attachment style and allow others to walk alongside you in the process.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Implement Attachment Rituals The goal is not for Sunday School teachers or church helpers to form deep attachments to children but rather, support the attachments of infants/children/teens and their foster, adoptive parents or primary caregivers. “Is it okay if I am the boss of Tim during Sunday school class?” “Is it ok for us to give Jenna some gum/snacks/fruit during kids church?” “May we drive Ryan to the theater in the church van for the concert?"
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Go Get Parents When Needed Though it is certainly less convenient, ALWAYS be willing to get the parent if a child truly needs the emotional or relational support of their caregiver. You may have to do this for several weeks or months before the child no longer needs the parent to come back.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT Recognize and Support Attachment in Teens Teens need attachment rituals as well. What does that look like? A teen might express the need for “comfort”, but it is disguised by a “complaint.” Teens will often branch out, forming new attachments outside of primary caregivers. They are testing their relational strategies.
LESSON FOUR: HEALED THROUGH ATTACHMENT The Language of Love Are you willing to learn a new language? See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1
We Are HEALEDTHROUGHATTACHMENT Break / Q & A
Hurt in Development Healed in Relationship & Play.
LESSON FIVE: HEALED IN RELATIONSHIP & PLAY My feet stand on level ground; in the great congregation I will praise the LORD. Psalm 26:12
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