SESSION FOUR LOGISTICS Session Four: Regulation Duration: 2 hours - - PDF document

CYFD’s Mandated Foster Parent Training: Promoting Successful Placements and Child-Well Being

SESSION FOUR LOGISTICS

Session Four: Regulation Duration: 2 hours Session Goals: Managing emotions and behavior can be difficult for children and teens

whose lives have included trauma; too often these difficult behaviors lead to placement

• disruption. In this session, caregivers build toolboxes for responding to children and teens in

difficult moments and helping them develop their own self-regulation skills.

Materials Needed: 

Whiteboard or flip chart and markers



PowerPoint slides



Pens and paper



Multicolored markers on each table



Life Savers

Session Summary: 

Remember how infants and young children learn to regulate. You can help infants regulate by:

• Keeping yourself calm.
• Learning to read the infant’s signs
• Learning the infant’s preferences
• Being open to learning and experimenting with new skills
• Having daily routines that build a sense of rhythm
• Connecting and engaging throughout the day



Children and teens who do not get enough soothing when they are young have a much harder time managing feelings and behavior.



You can help by laying a good foundation. Do that by using routines and ongoing strategies, building connection and learning your child or teen’s patterns. You can respond in the moment by:

• Catching the moment
• Checking yourself
• Being a mirror
• Meeting the need
• Supporting child or teen tools

CYFD’s Mandated Foster Parent Training: Promoting Successful Placements and Child-Well Being

• Providing opportunities for control and choice
• Reconnecting



Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is harder because:

• It’s hard to parent from the middle — in the absence of a child’s or teen’s

history or previous relationships.

• There is so much that is unexpected and unpredictable — placements,

transitions, behavior, histories.

• Of your lack of control.
• Of your lack of information.
• Of your lack of resources.



Your feelings matter for a lot of reasons, including because:

• they give you information (as long as you’re aware of them);
• but they’re not always comfortable — they can put you on the Express Road.



Self-care is easy on good days, but harder on hard days. Keep in mind what makes a hard day:

• Things related to your child
• Things related to your world
• Things related to your self

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Goal

To increase awareness of internal experience and the effect of this experience on our ability to be present and engaged; to increase awareness of coping strategies; and to engage caregivers in a parallel process, as this is a skill set they will be supporting in their child or teen.

3

Teach

 Infant regulation is supported by the adult’s ability to tune into and effectively respond to the baby’s clues and underlying need for play, soothing, sleep, etc.  Over time, adults learn the infant’s preferences for different regulation strategies (rocking vs. touch vs. movement) through experimentation or trial and error.

4

Teach

 One thing many caregivers do is to develop daily routines and rhythms, such as feeding, bedtime, bath, etc. While we often do this to help us organize and manage daily tasks, this is actually a very important foundation for the infant’s early ability to regulate and develop a feeling of safety in the world.  Regulation is further supported by the many ways we engage and connect throughout the day, rather than only when the infant is experiencing distress or discomfort.

5

Teach

 When regulation support is consistently offered and provided to the infant, he or she experiences security and comfort in connection to another person.  Regulation support provides the infant with a felt understanding that feelings do not last forever and they may come and go or have a beginning and ending point.  The infant will learn that a primary function of connection is to increase his or her internal sense of comfort and safety.

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Teach

 Similarly, the earliest foundation for communication begins in infancy. For instance, babies may learn that if they cry, someone will come and soothe them. If they put up their arms, someone will pick them up. If they smile, someone will smile back. Communication skills will build on this early foundation and become more sophisticated and direct as children learn to talk.  When their caregivers are able to provide consistent support for soothing throughout the day, especially in moments of distress or discomfort, the growing child begins to internalize the felt comfort experienced in these moments of co-

• regulation. This internal sense of comfort helps them increase their tolerance for

distress and bounce back more quickly.

7

Teach

 When you are parenting older children or teens, it can feel unnatural to teach very basic regulation skills. For instance, we often expect that a 10-year-old will have the ability to identify basic emotions or that a 16-year-old will have a repertoire of effective coping strategies. But often that is not the case. If a child

• r teen has not had consistent support for regulation, their self-regulation skills

may not have developed.  And, to make this more complicated, a child or teen who has not experienced early co-regulation may not learn that relationships are a source of calm and

• comfort. In fact, often they have learned the opposite — that relationships are

chaotic and frightening. This is one reason why it may be hard for children and teens to feel safe in relationships in general — and it may make it more challenging for you to figure out how to provide regulation and co-regulation support.

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Teach

 Many children have experienced early mis-attunements — not being “seen” accurately by the adults taking care of them, or having adults not pay attention to their feelings at all.  Children may also defend against very hard emotional states like sadness or fear due to a sense of shame and vulnerability. As a result, children may only be able to identify, name and access a limited number of emotions — for instance, always saying, “I am mad,” but never being able to say, “I am sad.”

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Teach

 We’ve discussed that children and teens who have experienced trauma may have very little language for their experiences, making it hard to communicate their emotions to others.  But trauma also may interfere with a child’s or teen’s ability to access language when he or she feels unsafe or is reminded of past trauma, even by subtle

• reminders. Remember the Express Road to action? When children or teens are
• n the Express Road, the thinking parts of their brains (and the language centers

within it) shut down. That makes it even more challenging to use words to describe what they are experiencing.

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Teach

 To manage your feelings effectively, you have to have some understanding of what the feelings are and where they come from. And you have to have a repertoire of strategies for dealing with them, including access to supports. In the absence of these things it is common for children or teens to become very

• verwhelmed by things that may seem minor to others. For example, a minor

schedule change may trigger a fear response in a child or teen whose early caregiving environment was chaotic.

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Activity

 Let’s check in with Olivia. Read through the first two Olivia slides before initiating discussion.  Set up the flip chart page or whiteboard with three columns labeled, in order, “Triggers,” “Clues of dysregulation” and “Needs.”

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Activity continued

 Can anyone identify ways Olivia is showing her difficulty regulating? Write down examples of dysregulation in the middle column on the whiteboard or flip chart. If not named, prompt examples such as crying, shouting, demanding help, lying.  What about any possible triggers — can you think of what might be driving Olivia’s dysregulation?  Write down possible triggers in the first column. If not named, prompt examples such as being confronted, being rejected or being asked to do something on her

• wn.

 What might Olivia’s needs be? Write possible needs in the third column. If not named, prompt examples such as comfort, connection or reassurance

Discussion

 Discuss the relationship among triggers, needs and dysregulation. Invite participants to notice the ways that the information across the three columns fits together. For instance, if Olivia is triggered by rejection, then being ignored at bedtime may increase her distress and lead her to tantrum more loudly in an attempt to get her need for connection met.

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Discussion continued

 We have spoken a lot about Olivia. But what about her foster parents? Not only is Olivia struggling so are her foster parents. Let’s think about the experiences and feelings of Olivia’s foster parents.  Review content on the slide  Now I want a show of hands. Let’s talk about the first bullet. How many of you can relate to feeling worn out?  What about the second bullet — can I have a show of hands from those of you who can relate to the experience of feeling that you have tried everything but nothing works?  And the third bullet: Who can identify with feeling manipulated and, as a result, disconnecting?  In fact, these are common feelings for foster parents. As we said in an earlier session, foster parenting is hard! Especially because of the role you play in supporting a child’s or teen’s ability to self-regulate all while trying to regulate your own emotional responses to the child or teen. So while we will be talking about a number of strategies for supporting children and teens in regulating, it is important to acknowledge that this is hard work and can be emotionally draining for foster parents.

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Do

 Present the parents with the handout: Make a Toolbox

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Teach

 Read the first slide.  It is important to pay attention to questions like those listed on the slide to help you learn about a child or teen to be effective in supporting regulation.  Think about:  What strategy is likely to be effective?  When do you use the strategy?  Where do you implement the strategy?  How do you support the strategy?  How do you assess whether the strategy is effective?

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Teach

 We’ve talked quite a bit about energy in this group. Paying attention to your child’s energy at different times will give you important clues about what strategies might be effective or needed.  Using the language of energy is often an effective strategy for supporting children and teens in communicating their internal experience because it is normative (we all have it), neutral (not good or bad but comfortable or uncomfortable) and less vulnerable to talk about than specific emotions.

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Teach

 How many of you wake up every day and go through the same morning routine? Maybe you put the coffee on, get in the shower and watch the news while you get ready for your day.  We all have routines or rhythms that we follow throughout our day and these rhythms serve a very important purpose. They keep us organized. They keep our days predictable and generally help us to feel internally balanced.  Help me complete this statement: “Routines and rhythms often become so much a part

• f our daily rhythm that we only notice them when…” Finish the statement for them if

they are not able to complete the statement: “when they are disrupted.”  Ask people to think about how they feel when their routines are disrupted. If time allows, invite one or two people to briefly share.  Review the second and third bullets on the slide.  Of course, routines only contribute to regulation if they feel comfortable and help us function better or more effectively. For instance, if your boss told you that you had to twirl in place three times before entering his or her office, you would probably ask why. The response might be something like, “because that is our routine,” “because those are the office rules” or “because that makes me feel more comfortable.” Maybe you decide to twirl in place each day, as requested, and as a result you begin each day by feeling very dizzy. The routine may make you feel slightly distressed each day as you both anticipate the twirling and actually twirl. Remember this point when you think about routines and rhythms to build with children and teens who have experienced trauma. Routines and rhythms should increase comfort and the feeling of safety for all parties, not just you. They should not be sources of distress.

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Teach

 Make sure we link routines back to the detective piece  The goal of routines is not to use them everywhere, but to use them purposefully.  Routines are particularly useful around challenging moments in the day; to support soothing and regulation; and to build connection.

Do/Ask

 If time permits, invite participants to share examples of ways they have successfully used routines around these particular areas with children and teens.

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Teach

 Read the slide.

Ask/Discuss

 Why do you think a routine like the new routine developed by Olivia’s foster parents might be helpful for a child like Olivia? Select a few participants to share their ideas.  Talk about the key themes in this example, which include the need for choice and control, both about the routine itself and the level of engagement/support from the caregiver because of early exposure to chaos, lack of control, lack of predictability and neglect. Link back to ways this routine addresses what the participants identified in the earlier three-column exercise.

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Ask/Discuss

 Many activities are naturally regulating. What activities do you do yourself that you find naturally modulating or soothing? Invite a few participants to briefly respond.  There are many different energy needs we might have during the day or during the week, and a range of activities can help us to feel energized and engaged or soothed and relaxed.  Similarly, it is important to provide predictable and ongoing activities for children and teens that are naturally modulating or soothing.

Do

 Provide Handout: Modulation Activities

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Teach

 Refer to handout  Bring in try it out opportunities.  Ask group to notice which of these strategies might work for a child or teen in their home.

Discuss

 Let’s go back to our earlier discussion about infants for a brief moment. Think about strategies used to soothe an infant, such as rocking or playing calm music. This is true for children and teens, too. You don’t want to only offer strategies to soothe in moments of distress. Use them on a regular basis, so the child or teen sees them as familiar and connected to regulation. If children and teens are presented with regulation or coping strategies only at the moment of distress, those strategies are likely to be rejected because of lack of exposure and practice and because the strategies themselves are associated with distress and discomfort.

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Teach

 It is not always easy to identify what needs are driving child or teen behaviors. However, dysregulation (feelings, body states or behaviors that seem disorganized

• r out of control) often acts as a clue that a child or teen has an unmet need; it

can be the first sign of challenging behavior to come.  You can work to get better at reading a particular child’s or teen’s dysregulation

• clues. For instance, one child might show distress by shouting or screaming,

another by getting silly and a third by withdrawing.  Once you learn a child’s or teen’s dysregulation clues, find ways to support regulation using the skills taught in our last session. Often, if you can respond quickly enough and support regulation (both the child’s or teen’s and your own), you can cut behaviors off before they start.

Discuss

 Do you feel you are sometimes able to cut behaviors off before they start with your child or teen by supporting regulation?  Can anyone give an example of a time you were successful in shifting behaviors?

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Teach

 Over the next several slides, we will discuss three strategies for addressing child and teen behavior.  We will talk a bit about why, when and how you might use these strategies as well as some things to consider when working with children or teens who have experienced trauma.  These strategies are not exclusive. You might use all of the strategies to address the same behavior at different times. One approach may work well one day and not so well the next.  One of the most important things you can do is have a plan. Once you identify a behavior and have an idea about the child’s or teen’s pattern and need, you can make a plan for the best way to respond to that behavior. At that point, it becomes an experiment.  Keep in mind that it may be important to try a strategy consistently for a period of time to see if it is working, as children or teens may react initially negatively to something that eventually becomes successful.

Do

 Provide Handout: Behavior Strategies: What are your tools?

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Teach

 It is very easy as a parent or caregiver to get caught up in saying “no” and “don’t” and to miss sight of saying “great job” and “do.” This is particularly true when the child or teen has prominent negative behaviors.  Praise is a powerful tool when used purposefully and consistently. Children and teens are often responsive to positive attention and praise can shape behavior.  Use praise when a child or teen does something you like or want to increase, or when a child or teen stops doing something you want to decrease.  You can give praise and reinforce behavior with your words (“Great job with that!”), your behaviors (giving a child or teen a high-five or a hug when he or she accomplishes something) and, sometimes, concretely (for instance, a sticker chart or a chance to work toward a reward).

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Teach

 There are many reasons that children and teens who have experienced trauma may have difficulty with, or be triggered by, praise. For instance, children or teens may have been hurt or abused by people who said nice things to them. They may not believe your praise is genuine. Or they may shy away from forming a good relationship with you since they may be afraid of losing you.  Do not stop saying positive things altogether. But do be thoughtful about how you praise a child or teen who seems to mistrust or be upset by it. Consider the following:  First, don’t take it personally if a child or teen rejects your praise. If you say, “Great job!” and he or she responds by saying, “It wasn’t great, it was terrible, you don’t know anything!” — try to remember where this might be coming from. It is generally not a rejection of you.  Second, don’t get into a power struggle (“Yes, it was great!” “No, it wasn’t!” “Yes, it was!”). It is OK for you and the child or teen to have different opinions. You might say, for instance, “It’s OK for you and me to feel differently about it. I’m sorry you feel like things didn’t go well. I was proud of how you did.” Ask: Has anyone had the experience of having positive statements rejected by children or teens in your care,

• r having the child or teen get upset by

them?  Third, try focusing on concrete behaviors or actions rather than on the whole child or teen. This may lessen his or her discomfort with and need to reject the statement.



Finally, keep trying.

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Teach

 Supporting children and teens in solving problems is an important strategy for building their awareness of choices, helping them feel empowered and giving them a voice in their lives.  This skill is very hard and one that typically develops over the course of childhood and into early adulthood. Therefore, it requires a fair amount of support from adults.  You are generally only able to use your thinking brain when you are calm, so this is a skill you will want to apply only when both you and the child or teen are feeling regulated and calm.

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Teach

Here are the steps for supporting problem solving:  First, identify what the problem is. For instance, that the child is frustrated with a rule or a teen is in a fight with a friend.  Second, identify goals. For instance, if a teen is in a fight, he or she might want to mend the friendship, might want help with knowing what to say, might need emotional support about losing the friendship, etc. Part of the work is identifying what it is that the child or teen and you want or wish to have happen.  Third, brainstorm. Try to think of different ideas for how you might meet your

• goal. Keep in mind that you want to support children and teens in thinking about

and coming up with ideas, so don’t offer too many right away. Also, don’t tell children or teens an idea is a bad. If they thought of it, there’s a reason for it. Once you have some ideas, help the child or teen think through possible consequences and discuss them. What might happen if the child or teen were to tell his or her best friend a secret about a classmate? What might happen if the child or teen calls his or her social worker and asks to be moved? What might happen if the child or teen skips soccer practice? Pay attention to both the positive and less positive consequences in your discussions. For instance, telling a friend a classmate’s secret might make the child or teen feel powerful or make the child’s or teen’s friendship grow. But it might also hurt someone’s feelings or lead to the loss of another friendship.  The final step in problem solving is to support the child or teen in developing a plan of his or her own. Get concrete: what, when, how, where, who?

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Teach

 Children and teens who feel powerless may reject attempts to identify solutions (think of the child who says, “It doesn’t matter what I do!” or “I can’t do anything!”).  We all lose ability to solve problems when we are upset. This means that this skill will be especially hard when the child or teen is upset or when the parent is

• upset. Children and teens who are frequently dysregulated will likely struggle

with this more than ones who are generally calm.  Even for well-regulated children, the ability to solve problems develops over time, and young children or adolescents who are developmentally young — will struggle with this and need supports.  Because this is something that is so hard for children and teens to develop, it is important that you look for opportunities for them to practice making decisions about less intense or less vulnerable things, so that they feel more powerful when they have to tackle the harder decisions.

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Teach

 Setting limits is an important part of caring for a child or teen. When we set limits, we communicate important information about boundaries, expectations and consequences for behavior. Over time, appropriate limits will help children and teens learn to independently manage their own behavior  To be effective in setting limits, consider these tips:  Set limits when you are calm, not when you are upset. This will help you to be more thoughtful both in what and how you communicate. If necessary, take a regulation break before applying a limit. - Similarly, whenever possible, wait until the child or teen is calm to deliver the limit- separate the limit from attempts to help the child or teen regulate.  Think in advance about what an appropriate limit might be. Setting limits in the moment can lead to longer, more intense or more unreasonable consequences than you intend.  Make sure the limit matches the child’s or teen’s age, both chronological and

• developmental. For young children in particular, keep it simple and brief. Explicitly

tie the limit to the behavior. For you example, you might say:

• “We talked about no more hitting, because hitting isn’t safe. That toy needs to be put

away for the rest of the day, because you’re showing me you can’t be safe with it.”

• “We discussed that you need to call or text if your plans changed so I know where

you are. Because you stayed out without letting me know where you were, you need to spend the afternoon at home tomorrow.”

• Set the limit, then move on. Even if the child or teen continues to be upset about the

limit, communicate that you still care about the child and you are ready to move on. This does not mean denying your own emotion (it is OK to be frustrated), but to the degree possible, use your self-regulation tools so that you (and eventually, the child or teen) can return to a more regulated place, rather than letting each negative behavior

• r negative incident build to a crisis point.

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Teach

 Many children and teens in foster care have a wide range of experiences that make limits challenging.  Let’s review why children and teens may struggle with limit setting. They may have had previous experience with intense shaming or abusive or frightening

• limits. They have been in different homes, with different rules, consequences and

parenting styles, some of them involving neglectful parenting.  Children and teens may fear loss of control and be uncertain whether a caregiver will follow through.  When choosing specific limits, it is important to be conscious of the child’s or teen’s history and particular triggers.  The process or sequence of how you apply limits is as important as the limit itself.  Remember, from the child’s or teen’s perspective, his or her behavior made

• sense. Acknowledge the affect (“It makes sense that you were angry”) and

separate it from the action (“We use our words, not our hands, when we are mad”).

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Teach

 We’ve been talking about ways to build a foundation for regulation. Now let’s switch gears and talk about in-the-moment tools. Many of the skills we will discuss are things we have talked in detail about in previous meetings; here, we are pulling them together.

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Goal

To provide an example of a distressed child moment for discussion throughout the following the section.

Do

 Read the slide to participants. Note that as you move through the next section, the group will be applying the content to this moment between Olivia and her foster mother.

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Teach

 Why is it important to identify and respond to a child’s or teen’s early cues of distress? It is because we want to keep him or her from getting on the Express Road.  As we get to know children or teens, we are better able to read those clues early.  Let’s think about Olivia — earlier we identified some push buttons or triggers and clues of distress.

Ask

 What do you see in this interaction with her foster mother?

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Teach

Previously, we talked about your own self-care tools. To review, they include:  Prepare yourself. Remember to use your self-talk, have a plan, use your supports and take good care of your own basic needs, such as sleeping and eating.  In-your-pocket tools. Have tools in your pocket in case something unexpected happens: deep breathing, count to 10, relax your muscles, walk away for a moment, self-affirmation.  Recovery tools. When you have been through something stressful, identify strategies that you can use to get yourself back on the main road: call a friend, make a cup of tea, exercise. If time permits, review the list generated during session three.  Ongoing self-care. Find ways to actively attend to your self-care needs on an

• ngoing basis.

 Review some of your self-care strategies from session three when possible and continue to practice them throughout the week.

Discuss

 Think about Olivia’s foster mother. What do you think she might need in this moment? What advice would you give her to support her in addressing her own emotional needs?

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Teach

 Mirroring is the primary strategy you can use to let another person know you see him or her, are paying attention and understand the person and his or her needs.  Think about Olivia in this moment: What strategies might you use for mirroring her?

Ask/Discuss

 Can someone give an example of a way to validate or normalize her experience? What about behavioral strategies (for instance, tone of voice, approach or withdrawal)? How do you think this might help her to regulate in this moment?

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Teach/Discuss

 Display the list of behaviors generated during session two. Here are some behaviors you identified as challenging. Do these behaviors still feel as challenging? Why, or why not?  Note that understanding the behaviors and having strategies to work with caregivers’ own regulation and with children’s and teens’ regulation may feel helpful for some of these behaviors while others remain a challenge.  For some of the behaviors listed that you have identified as challenging — does anyone have suggestions of strategies that have worked for you? Which strategies have felt most effective and which have felt least effective? Note that strategies that work for one person may not work for another.

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Teach

 Earlier, we talked about some of the different needs that Olivia might be communicating — for instance, reassurance, connection or comfort.  In an earlier meeting, we discussed that there are two primary functions of children’s and teens’ trauma-related behavior:  Safety: Those actions designed to keep a child or teen safe in the face

• f perceived danger.

 Getting needs met: Actions designed to help the child or teen meet his

• r her physical, emotional or relational needs in the face of perceived

deprivation, rejection or abandonment.  A key strategy to support regulation when a child or teen is experiencing distress is to meet the need being communicated whenever possible.

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Goal

To provide an example of ways Olivia’s foster mother was able to support in-the- moment regulation by meeting Olivia’s need for connection, soothing and comfort.

Discuss/Teach

 Read the slide aloud.  As relevant, note similarities to ideas generated by participants.

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Teach

 Ideally, as part of building foundational regulation strategies, you and your child

• r teen will have begun to build a toolbox of regulation strategies.

 As these are solidified, they can be cued or prompted in the moment using these three strategies: 

• Modeling. Shame and vulnerability are common triggers for children or teens

who have experienced trauma. When they feel shame or vulnerability, it can be hard to acknowledge they are distressed and harder still to ask for help. When a trusted adult models vulnerability and shows how he or she uses tools to support regulation, it allows children and teens to feel safer doing so

• themselves. It can also provide opportunities for co-regulation.

 Prompting use of tools. It is essential to prompt the use of specific tools instead of making general statements, such as, “go calm down.” Regulation is a complicated skill. They may need support to identify and implement each of the steps involved in the calm-down process. This is also true for children or teens who have shut down, or gone numb, and who need to wake up or re- engage with their world. 

• Experimenting. If one strategy doesn’t work in the moment, try another.

There is no single strategy that is going to work all the time. Even preferred tools may not work when they are most needed.

Discuss

 Think about Olivia. Let’s say we’ve identified that Olivia likes blowing bubbles (deep breathing), tossing a ball and getting hugs. How might you model, prompt

• r help her experiment with one of these strategies in the moment?

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Teach

 Choice and control can be very powerful for children or teens who have experienced trauma. They have likely had countless experiences in which they experienced a lack of control and feelings of powerlessness. Many of those experiences felt threatening and dangerous.  Ironically, when children or teens are very dysregulated, one of the things we do as adults to try to keep a situation safe is to take control away. This can actually escalate the situation, rather than helping a child calm down. This is because perceiving a loss of control may act as a trigger and lead children and teens to increased arousal and in some situations, survival behaviors. To avoid triggering and prevent survival behaviors, find opportunities for control and choice.

Discuss

 Look at the examples on the slide. Can you imagine any of these being effective with Olivia? What are other possible ways you might help her feel more in control in this moment?

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Teach

 In sessions one and two, we discussed that children and teens develop a sense of themselves and of others — a lens for self and a lens of relationships — based on early experiences with caregivers.  To reduce a child’s or teen’s feelings of shame and hopelessness, it is essential that you find a way to reconnect, re-engage and repair once everybody is back on the main road.

Ask/Discuss

 Why do you think it might matter to a child like Olivia to experience reconnection

• r repair with her foster mother after a difficult moment?

 Let’s briefly review our discussion from session four, when we talked about how to handle disconnects. We mentioned four strategies, including to:

• Reaffirm the relationship. Find a way to assure the child or teen that

the relationship can exist and continue, even when times are hard.

• Reconnect at the child’s or teen’s pace. Give the child or teen

permission to protect him- or herself, even if you don’t believe it is needed.

• Make repair if needed. Give apologies, but don’t expect them.
• Move on. Try to shift out of the hard and into something positive.

You’re not reinforcing the negative when you reconnect in positive ways.

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Teach

 Introduce regulation challenge: having multiple children in the home.

Ask

 What about when you have multiple children in the home?  What are some things you might want to consider when regulating multiple children?

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Teach

 Review tips with participants.

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Teach/Do

 Using the prompts on the slide, engage the group in a brief discussion of challenges they have experienced as a foster parent or kin caregiver.  Try to keep the focus on the foster parent or caregiver’s own experience rather than on specific child behaviors. For instance, if a foster parent says, “I hate it when my foster kids lie to me,” the group leader might ask, “What feelings or thoughts do you notice coming up for you when you think kids are lying?” Write responses on a whiteboard or flip chart.  Notice any similarities and differences in what various group members are naming; pick a few common responses and ask how many participants have shared these experiences.  Refer back to this list of experiences as often as possible today.

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Teach

 Foster parents play an incredibly important role in the lives of children and teens.  The more in control, regulated and competent you feel, the more likely you will feel effective in caring for children, and the more likely the child or teen is to experience you as a safe resource.  Almost everyone struggles with hard feelings sometimes. It feels personal when a child or teen calls you a name, targets a vulnerable spot or seems determined to hurt you. It is OK to feel how you feel. It’s what you do with the feelings that matters the most when parenting children and teens who have experienced trauma.

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Goal

To highlight that self-care is a complicated skill that is most challenging to implement on the days caregivers need it the most.

Ask

 How are each of you doing in terms of providing care to yourselves?  Can I have a show of hands:  How many of you feel like you are doing a really great job focusing on your self-care?  How many of you feel like you sometimes struggle with this?

Teach

 Congratulate those who are doing well and normalize the experiences of those who struggle.  What is self-care? It is the ability to actively focus on your own basic needs for safety, security, connection and regulation.  All our self-care practices are going to ebb and flow depending on our situation and circumstance. Perhaps those of us who are doing well today were struggling last week or will struggle next month. Our experience and our feelings about our self-care success is likely to vary over time.  We tend to do a better job with self-care when things are going well and struggle when there are more challenges in our lives. Our self-care practices are more likely to break down or become absent during moments or periods of stress

• r when we need them most.

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Ask/Do

 There are things other than the child or teen that affect how you experience any given day. Sometimes there are things happening in your world that can increase your stress. On the slide are some examples. What else would you add?  Add to the list on the flip chart or whiteboard.

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Ask/Do

 There are things related to your own experience that can make for a hard day. Can you add things that are missing from this list?  Add these examples to your flip chart or white board list.

Teach

 Each factor we have discussed can increase your feelings of stress on a given day.  These stressors are not mutually exclusive and can add to and affect each other. For instance, if you are tired and feeling sick, you may find your child’s behaviors even more stressful than usual. Or your child’s most challenging behaviors can make you feel particularly tired and out of sorts.

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Teach

 We are going to talk about three strategies that can help you focus on self-care and stay regulated in the moments when you need self-regulation most.  These are the tools that will be discussed in the coming slides.

55

Goal

To establish that the first step in managing challenging emotions is to acknowledge that they exist.

Ask

 Can I get a show of hands: Who always gives him- or herself permission to feel what you feel?  The key word here is always. Can you share some ideas about why it is challenging to always allow yourself to feel what you feel?

Teach

 It is common for us to experience shame and guilt about our feelings. This can cause us to criticize and question the validity, morality and importance of what we feel. In response to this, we may shut down or deny or dismiss our own feelings and experiences.

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Goal

To identify two primary strategies for preventing reactions on hard days. Teach  The more we become aware of and pay attention to our stressors or push buttons, the more we are able to anticipate and manage our reactions to them.  When you anticipate, it puts you in a particular state of mind — one that allows you to think, plan and problem-solve. This helps you respond instead of react.  Checking in with ourselves, like we do with the Check-In tool, can help us pay attention to all of those clues that suggest we are entering the Express Road.  As a reminder: These are skills that are easy to practice on easy days. So start on easy days and work toward being able to do so on a day that feels hard.

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Goals

To highlight the idea that there is no perfect solution, strategy or tool that will work in every situation or every time it is used. These slides introduce the next section, in which the concepts will be discussed in depth.

Teach

 There are many tools we can use for self-care; we will be talking about some different types.

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Goal

To provide examples of strategies that may be used to prepare for stressful situations.

Discuss/Ask

 None of us would expect to be able to run a marathon, perform on stage or pull together a dinner for 30 people without taking time to prepare. A lot goes into being and feeling ready to take on those activities.  As an example, think about all the steps that might go into preparing a large family holiday meal — like cooking a turkey, prepping mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc.  We often don’t think about everyday stressful situations in the same way, but it can be helpful to prepare for those as well.  For example, let’s say you need to go to a school meeting to advocate for your foster child with providers who have been challenging to work with. The slide includes some suggestions for how you might prepare.  Can anyone add things to this list?  List suggestions on the flip chart or whiteboard.

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Goal

To provide examples of in-the-pocket strategies or coping tools that can be used in or during the moment of stress.

Teach

 Now let’s think of a different tough situation. You are on the highway and you get a flat tire. Unlike our examples on the last slide, this is a situation that happens without warning. Hopefully, you will have tools in the trunk to make the situation more manageable.

Ask/Do

 On this slide are examples of tools you might use to manage situations such as the stress of having to change your tire on a busy interstate.  Is there anything you would add?  List additional items on the flip chart or whiteboard.

Teach

 It is important to keep your in-your-pocket strategies simple and concrete.  These strategies help us keep our thinking brain engaged, our bodies regulated and our responses on the main road.

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Goal

To provide an experiential opportunity to practice in-your-pocket tools.

Do

 Let’s practice our in-your-pocket tools. I want each of you to think about something stressful that happened this week. Notice what happens in your body as you think about it.  Now I want everybody, on the count of three, to yell the statement “I am awesome” as loud as you can. Ready? Count to three — and join in.  So think about our check-in activity now. How do you feel? Do you notice any immediate changes in how you are feeling or in your energy?  Next, we are going to do a simple breathing activity. Let me demonstrate. Breathe in, raising your arms (arms out straight from your side, palms facing up) toward the sky. When you breathe out, bring your arms back down to where you began. After demonstrating, invite participants to try it.  What happens in you as you do this? Do you notice any changes?

 Facilitators should feel free to add or substitute other brief activities that engage

participants in self-monitoring.

Teach

 Many of the in-your-pocket strategies lead to changes in your emotional or physical state in moments of stress because you are actively doing something to shift it.

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Goal

To illustrate the importance of practicing self-care strategies in the aftermath of a stressful event or situation.

Teach

 Research shows that stress does not stop or go away the moment the situation has passed. Often our body and mind continue to experience the impact of the event or situation that has occurred.  Because of this, it is important to build both your in-your-pocket strategies and your recovery skills, or the things that you do to help yourself after a stressful situation is over.

Ask

 Let’s go back to your earlier recollection of the time this week when you experienced stress. Did you do anything to help yourself recover?  Here are some examples of possible recovery tools. What else would you add?  Add new strategies to the whiteboard or flip chart.

62

Goal

To provide examples and illustrate the importance of strategies for ongoing self-care practices.

Teach

 Beyond the skills that we wrap around specific stressful moments, all of us need tools, strategies and supports that are in place every day in an ongoing way.  Here are some examples of ongoing self-care strategies. What else do you do that helps with your self-care?  Write down participants’ suggestions.

63

Goals

To apply the toolbox concept discussed in today’s session.

Do

 Take a moment to think about your “life savers,” those things you find most valuable for getting through the day. Think about how your strategies fit into the categories we defined today — tools for preparation, in-the-pocket tools, recovery tools and ongoing self-care tools.  Ask participants to get into pairs or small groups to discuss.  Provide Handout: SELF-REFLECTION WORKSHEET

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Goal

To apply the “what makes a hard day” lessons to the home environment and build foster parents’ awareness of their push buttons.

Practice

 Please use the worksheet to identify what makes a hard day for you and what pushes your buttons. You’ll do some thinking about how you can use this knowledge in your home and daily life.

Ask/Do

 Any questions?  Provide Handout: WHAT MAKES A HARD DAY?

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Goal

To review the key teaching points from today’s session.

Ask

 Let’s review what we have discussed today. Does anyone have any questions?