www.inclusive-solutions.com Welcome! Welcome and LISTEN! Keys to Inclusion meeting emotional needs of BOYS Colin Newton & Derek Wilson 2004 Setting the tone….. If we can teach our sons to honour and value � Not all boys are failing, or have unmet their emotional lives, if emotional needs. we can give boys an � Equally we cannot assume that all girls are emotional vocabulary achieving their best or that they have all their and the encouragement emotional needs met. to use it, they will � Class, poverty, ability, sexuality, ethnicity, unclench their hearts. life experiences all exert major influences on Kindlon and Thompson: 2000 children and their emotional needs What children need… Understand the person � Permission to have an internal emotional life plus the emotion � Safe places for high activity …one person can mean so much � To be talked to directly in their own language underneath the � To learn that emotional courage and empathy are sources of real strength in life The long view…. behaviour � To see an adulthood of emotional attachment � To learn there are many ways to be a adult
Loss, separation and False Beliefs • The child was responsible divorce for the break up – self blame FALSE • ..if they try hard enough � 70-80% of children do not they might bring parents experience enduring problems after BELIEFS back together parents separate � But…parental separation is an important risk factor for children’s • The remaining parent will adjustment also leave – fear of that the absent parent is all they would wish � Boys more vulnerable than girls to abandonment them to be... developing difficulties – link to fathering • Their father no longer sees them because they are unlovable ....lets think about this as music plays... COMMON BEHAVIOURS Trust BUILDING RESILIENCE That have their own twisted emotional logic…… • Difficulties in concentrating - preoccupation with what might be � What do people do to • An age appropriate explanation of the happening elsewhere inspire trust in reasons for parental separation • Do things that mean you will get punished others? • Knowledge about the absent parent even • Grow up quick – ‘run away and get a job’ if no contact • Unable to cope with praise/never cry – feelings are too risky and • Successful adjustment of remaining � What works for you? may overwhelm you parent – understanding that the quality of • Failing to take care of themselves… frequent ‘accidents’ the contact can change • Aggressive behaviours – testing whether others will leave them • Restore Hope, ‘Bear Witness’ ‘Now I too and then being overwhelmed by helpless sobbing know how to go on’ • Regression to earlier ways of coping – not ‘growing up’ � How do you behave • Knowing ‘where you stand’ with the • High sensitivity to change and overly upset by small losses/ important adults in your life when you don't trust Temper tantrums for ‘trivial’ reasons someone? Permission for an Circle of Courage internal emotional life? 3 Gargoyles of Change Generosity Belonging � Naming feelings to build up our emotional literacy Giving = sense of Relationships = � Confused feelings…and where they go – Uncertain feelings purpose trusting recycled as ANGER � Emotional isolation…the fortress of solitude: strong and Independence silent type? Mastery Choices = � Need to hear older males admit to a wider range of Competence = responsibility motivation feelings and to uncertainty CONTROL FEAR COMPLACENCY
Peer support, mediation Acknowledging Feelings Handling emotions and counselling the bus driver shouted at me and they all � Training young people What do you need when YOU are angry? laughed to listen and to get Off Track, stressed out? involved ....embarrassment.... Feeling guilty? � Anti bullying strategies ‘sounds as if that was embarrassing’ � Playground mediation � Circles of Friends Accommodating PRAISE Dads… emotions � When can you hear it and when can you not? � Anger � Anxiety � Rough and tumble and the big male � Fear lesson…knowing when to stop… � Depression � Show full range of emotional literacy � Avoidance � Make time � Jealousy � Be active � Share discipline � Irritation � You will be copied � Need for control � Respect women Mothers and sons Ballet and Dads? � Images of connection.. � Be kind warm and enjoy them and don’t stop being ‘close’ … as a boy moves farther from his mother’s protective � Praise your son’s looks: physical presence….he needs to be able to carry her in his maintain unconditional love heart, in the security that her love provides him and the � Let him learn consequences of emotional education she has given him…..He needs to actions know that he can always find the place where he is loved � Keep calm in adolescence “best of all”. � Don’t displace your partner Kindlon and Thompson,2000
RESTORATIVE RESTORATIVE PHRASES INTERVENTIONS IN SCHOOLS What do you need? Can be used with incidents � “What happened?’ of… � “ What were you thinking about at the time?” � Bullying � “What have you been thinking since it happened?” � Name Calling � “Who has been a � ected by what you have done? � “How can you put it right?” � Physical & V erbal Assaults � Harassment � T ruancy � General Misbehaviour Worth considering…? Learning to listen Boys without men in their lives Mentors (especially form 14 +) � Moving from control to collaboration Boys Brigade � Attend carefully to both what is said and what is actually meant Drama group � Regard actions as communication Throwing good men in their way…good, safe, � Take other people seriously! male role models � Ask 'who loves this person?' Elders Therapeutic power of helping Herb Lovett: Learning to listen (1996) Our Heroes � Robbie � Dad! Williams � Kane � The Rock � Robbie Williams � Shaggy � Shaggy � Baddies � Big tough men Elliot aged 8 Louis aged 6
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