(In an Increasingly Dishonest World) Friday October 30, 2015 - - PowerPoint PPT Presentation
Cultivating Honesty and Integrity in Our Kids (In an Increasingly Dishonest World) Friday October 30, 2015 MASSW-Michigan Annual Conference Lansing, Michigan Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD, LMSW, ACSW, CAADC, CPC Founder/Director, The Shulman
Founder/Director, The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding
Rules are made for breaking... or at least bending! ---Anonymous Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and
hornets break through.—Jonathan Swift
The healthy being craves an occasional wildness, a jolt from normality, a
sharpening of the edge of appetite… a brief excursion from his way of life.— Robert MacIver
It’s not the dumb kids who cheat, it’s the kids with a 4.6 GPA who are under
the pressure of keeping their grades up in order to get into the best colleges.-- South Bay, CA teacher/parent
The cover-up is worse than the crime.—Anonymous If there’s a wall, there’s a way around it.—Robert Shulman (my Dad) You’re only mistake was getting caught!—Anonymous Honesty is its own reward.--Anonymous
1. To define honesty and integrity and what it means for kids 2. To learn the different kinds of dishonesties and their
3. To learn different reasons why kids engage in dishonest
4. To learn what we can do to cultivate greater honesty and
Honesty: being honest, upright, fair, truthful, frank,
Integrity: adherence to moral and ethical principles;
Respect: being esteemed or honored, deference to, a
Builds trust Builds self-esteem Leads to opportunities Creates peace of mind Lessens chance of negative situations/consequences Improves relationships What to do when things seem unfair in life? What are the pros and cons of “taking shortcuts”?
Justin Bieber Miley Cyrus students and teachers cheating on exams sexting Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez, PEDs bullying Wall Street shenanigans political scandals Mark Zuckerberg
shoplifting employee theft theft from individuals (including parents!) credit card fraud/misuse identity theft cheating on tests plagiarism false resume info / references sex and sexting drugs and alcohol other addictions lying
2009 survey: 51% of kids 17 and younger believed that
2012 survey found, contrary to prior research, women are as
2013 study found that children of divorce are slightly more
2013 study found that children from religious families do not
2013 study suggests that students who are more fatigued tend
2013 study found that many students who cheat initially
Over 10% (30 million) Americans shoplift and about 1/4 are under age 18.—
2011, The Shulman Center estimate
75% of employees steal from work and most do so repeatedly.—2010, U.S.
Chamber of Commerce
Time theft (loafing) costs U.S. companies $500 Billion/year in lost
The average credit card debt per adult American is about $10,000.—2010,
Time and Money magazines
Nine out of ten middle schoolers admit to copying someone else's
homework; two-thirds say they have cheated on exams; 75%-98% percent
their academic careers. --2011, NoCheating.org
15% of Americans said they would be likely to cheat on their taxes.—2010,
DBB Worldwide
59% of American high school students say they cheated on a test in the past
year; 21% say they stole from a relative; 80% say they lied to a parent; 92% say they’re satisfied with their ethics and character.—2011, Josephson Institute of Ethics
A QUIZ 1.You get a traffic ticket. You know you are responsible. Do you lie to the
2.You receive too much change back from a transaction somewhere. Do you speak up and mention the error and return the money? Yes or No? 3.Have you lied about the age of a child--or about your own age or student status--to receive a discount at a movie theater? Yes or No? 4.Have you lied in front of your children, engaged in gossip or mean talk, or told your children to keep your secret(s) from someone? Yes or No?
for it? Yes or No?
the B? Yes or No?
you admit your behavior and discuss it? Yes or no?
permission and your child knows it? Yes or No?
bankruptcy? Yes or No? 10.Do you over-help your child with his/her homework or cover for him/her to the teachers? Yes or no? 11.Do you download music, movies, “illegally” or share them? Yes or no? 12.You dent a car with your car in a parking lot. Do you own up to it in some way? Yes or No?
Not everything is so black and white--there are, at times,
Express a sincere interest in your child’s feelings & opinions Don’t talk too much--listen, too! Don’t disagree too early Ask your child what he/she might tell his/her own children Don’t set yourself up as the final answer--sometimes
Underkill vs. Overkill Hypocrisy, favoritism, unfairness Are you pressuring your child to be perfect? Do we think about or share our own childhood dishonesties? Is your child’s actions a cry for help? Is therapy an option?
Parents and teachers: pay attention! Your kids are watching you... and they’re learning about honesty and dishonesty from you (as well as
We need to ask
the following questions: How honest am I and how often do I follow or play by the rules? Has my child witnessed my dishonesty and, if so, what have I said/done about this? Do I hold double-standards for myself or other people or am I consistent? Am I physically/emotionally attuned/available to my children or do I need to improve this? Do I put too much pressure on my kid(s) to get good grades, achieve, never make mistakes? When my kid(s) get in trouble or make a mistake or get a bad grade, how do I react? Do I convey unconditional love for my child(ren) or do I convey love
when they behave?
Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch Q: How do you and your kids tend to give and receive love?
Public/childhood education Support systems/community Healthy physical outlets Allowing boys/men to feel all emotions Specialized therapy (men’s, group, marital, addiction) Support groups (especially men’s groups) Medications Marital counseling Work/play balance Vocation/purpose and meaning Nature Poetry/Art
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Terrence Shulman, “Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction
Michael Parker, “Talk to Your Kids: Conversations About Ethics” Arthur Dobrin, Ethics for Everyone: How to Increase Your Moral
Harold Kushner, How Good Do We Have To Be Randy Cohen, Be Good: How to Navigate The Ethics of
Leland Benton, Why You Lie, Cheat & Deceive Dona
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terrenceshulman@theshulmancenter.com
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www.kleptomaniacsanonymous.org
www.employeetheftsolutions.com
www.shopaholicsanonymous.org
www.hoardersanonymous.org
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