The Children of Divorce ITS BETTER TO BE FROM A BROKEN HOME... - - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

The Children of Divorce

IT’S BETTER TO BE FROM A BROKEN HOME... THAN LIVING IN ONE

Risks

• 50% higher health problems
• Lower grades, 2x likely to drop out of high school,

leads to lower level of education, lower paying jobs

• 300% more likely to need treatment
• 2x likely to contemplate/attempt suicide
• High vulnerability to drug and alcohol use
• Higher levels of fear of commitment and divorce

Effects/Supports

Toddlers/Pre-schoolers: ( Trust/Control, Object Impermanence) Confusion, fear, loss of control Self blame Problems with daily routines/transitions Separation anxiety Tantrums, aggression, clinginess Physical complaints- headaches, tummy aches Reponses: Reassure Love Monitor Changes Provide Consistency Reassure Not Leaving Them Identify Feelings Provide Simple, Clear Explanations

School Aged: ( Competence)

• Sad, angry
• Guilt and self blame
• Takes sides, loyalty conflicts
• Physical complaints
• Fear of losing absent parent

Responses:

• Reassure not to blame
• Identify Changes
• Facilitate Expression

Pre Teens/ Teens: ( Identity)

• Angry and hostile to 1 or both parents
• Changes in behaviors, attitudes, perceptions
• Physical Complaints
• Problems with Peers (withdraw, distrust)
• Acting out
• Parentification/Role Reversal
• Worries about money, schedule, school

Responses:

• Identify emotions, concerns, complaints
• Provide clear limits
• Facilitate input into schedule, adjust to THEIR

schedule

• Resist Role Reversal
• Resist messenger/ middle

Constants

What is NOT changing?

Choices

What choices DO they have?

Communication

listen, empathize, neutral talk, assure, mirror feelings

Clinical Support

know when it’s time to bring in help

Can’t Go Wrong....

Guiding Principles

• Do not make the children the messengers
• Take the high road, set boundaries with your ex and

do not take the bait for conflicts

• Work on YOUR grief
• No bad mouthing
• No third degree, speak without grilling
• Take responsibility for errors, commit to changes
• Have a pre-determined schedule with flexibility
• Practice first right of refusal
• Agree on parenting principles
• Remember that your child’s affection for the other

parent is NOT a threat ( your power rests in the energy you put into YOUR relationship with your child)

• Demonstrate a positive relationship with your ex
• Appreciate the contributions of the other parent
• Divorce is a process not an event, requires

continual, repeated supports and attention

Implications

• The higher the conflicts, the fewer transitions
• The younger the children, the higher transitions
• Individual therapy to ground your grief
• Family Meetings, co-parenting therapy
• Family Wizard App for calendars, messaging,

expense log, information banking

• Consider nesting
• Therapy for the children – individual, group
• Blended families – slow integration not within 1

year of separation, step-parent role is friend not parent