Doug Schmidt, Ph.D., C. Psych. Clinical and School Psychologist October 19, 2019 1 Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions... send a message about distress, signal losing internal, emotional control and external control of a situation, show an attempt to get control relieve tension, and signal a need for connection and support which can be difficult to access 2 Ingredients of a Meltdown a child’s temperament/personality major or daily stressors triggers in the moment (expectations, frustrations, or transitions), emotional distress, and how adults and others respond 3 1
Temperament • basis of personality • studied for decades • apparent in early childhood 4 Temperament emotional sensitivity sensory sensitivities frustration tolerance soothability 5 Temperament persistence activity level extroversion/introversion regularity of daily rhythms 6 2
Temperament Online questionnaire for identifying temperament: The Preventive Ounce https://www.preventiveoz.org/ 7 Validate Temperament You’re a kid who… That’s how you are and that’s fine. I love the way you are. You’re like uncle/aunt/cousin/etc.… Sometimes things are frustrating because… 8 Stress change life circumstances/events school peers siblings wanting more closeness with caregivers Acknowledge these stressors……!!!!!! 9 3
Attachment versus separation Children are facing much more separation from parents than ever before. Long days in daycare and full day kindergarten can be challenging for kids. Parental separation and family changes. 10 Attachment versus separation Extracurricular activities are increasing. Children and teens are becoming peer oriented. Technology use is increasing. Moving, not being close to extended family more frequent. 11 Separation is Stressful: Make Reconnecting Easy Talk about how separation is hard. Bridge separations by talking about the next time you’ll be together. When you reconnect, express happiness about seeing each other and a desire to do something fun. Don’t focus on your agenda or always ask, “how was your day at school?” You will get the answer, “fine,” or, “I don’t know.” 12 4
Reduce Stress Provide more rest & sleep. Provide more time to play. Children need lots of relaxed time with parents and caregivers. 13 Play rejuvenates kids imaginative play (dress up, puppets, figures) creative arts play sensory play connected, interactive play exercise and sports kids vary in the kinds of play they like some kids thrive on competitive sports, some do not screen games are one form of play 14 Reduce Stress Talk in a relaxed way about stress Don’t ask too much. “You’ve had a hard day/week.” “Let’s do something fun.” Kids usually spill the details later. 15 5
Talk about Distress Sadness/Disappointment: “you feel like crying” Fears/Anxieties: “you feel like running away” Shame/Embarrassment: “you don’t feel good about yourself and just want to hide” Frustration/Anger: “you just want to scream and yell or do something physical” 16 Anxiety Help with transitions eg. good-bye rituals and bedtime routines. Don’t view kids as emotionally fragile and frail, unable to tolerate emotions. Don’t shy away from talking about painful or difficult feelings. Talk about fear and motivation to overcome fears (to instill courage) Remind them they don’t need to be perfect Develop rituals to connect & check in. 17 Talk about Distress Amp up stress to let it out. Be alongside kids, help them get upset with you in a safe way. This will reduce meltdowns where there’s buildup and losing control. Important to be comfortable with distress. 18 6
Talk about Feelings Often we help children avoid feelings. Try to make them go away. “You’ll be fine. You’re okay. Don’t worry.” We don’t want our kids to be weak or vulnerable. But if they are not vulnerable with us, their hearts will harden to us and to everyone else. 19 Amp up Feelings when appropriate that really hurts that hurt your feelings that’s so painful that’s so hard 20 Amp up Feelings when appropriate Stay with distress because then soothing can have more impact. Reduces feelings of isolation. I’ve heard parents call this: ‘sharing the pain’ and ‘flushing out painful feelings’. 21 7
Times of connecting/ separating are important First thing in the morning Saying goodbye before school Reuniting at the end of the day Preparing for bed and goodnight 22 Times of connecting/ separating are important These times can be flashpoints for anxiety, irritability, or sadness. Make these transitions easier. Be attuned to these points. Provide connection. Provide support and validation. 23 Meltdown Triggers being asked to do something they don’t want to do, being asked to stop doing something they want to do, leaving the house/bedtime, and separation/disappointment 24 8
‘Collect before you Direct’ • A concept from Vancouver psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld. • Don’t just yell from the kitchen, “we’re leaving/eating in 5 minutes!” • Spend a few minutes with your child or teen. 25 ‘Collect before you Direct’ • Show interest and validate their interest in what they’re doing. • Validate their frustration of having to stop and do something else. • “I know you don’t want to stop doing that. We’ll be back later and can do this again.” • Share: eye contact, a smile, and a nod 26 How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children) Add more alarm: threats of punishment loud voice, warnings, threats separation (time outs just don’t work for many children) 27 9
How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children) Comment on how upset you are. This can causes anxiety, shame, and anger. Often kids can only focus on their own feelings. 28 What to say instead: This is a tough moment. You have a lot of frustration. I know you’re angry. It’s okay to be angry. I’m still you’re mom/dad. We’re still okay. Let’s take a break. This will pass. 29 Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings Scared: out of control, afraid of hurting others and damaging relationships, afraid of punishment Powerful: in control Sad and lonely Ashamed if hurting others Angry 30 10
Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings • Insight about mixed feelings signal the development of maturity (and prefrontal cortex development). • Mixed feelings = being aware of contrasting or conflicting desires. 31 Kids having tantrums can feel all mixed up: • Eg. I have hugs for my sibling and hits for my sibling. (a concept from Gordon Neufeld). • Being able to see both sides (of one’s own feelings, as well as the feelings of others) indicates the development of restraint and self- regulation. 32 How do you help with Mixed Feelings? Start with copious amounts of emotional validation. Be 100% on the side of the child. When they’re ready, help them see their own blend of feelings and feelings of others. 33 11
How do you help with Mixed Feelings? When they’re ready, Present facts. Guide behaviour, or give advice or reminders of rules. Go all Sydney Sunshine (“It’s going to be all right.”/”You’re okay.”) Many parents start here and are confused that their children can’t tolerate frustration or distress. 34 Discipline For many children, discipline is likely to be ineffective if it involves: Alarm (raised voices, threats, yelling, warnings) Separation (time outs, shaming separations from other people) Consequences (taking away privileges) 35 Why is this? • For sensitive, reactive, and immature children these strategies increase frustration. • For many children who are already frustrated, this just make it more likely that they will continue to engage in problem behaviours. 36 12
Discipline strategies: • Don’t talk too much about behaviour in the incident. • Talk more while preparing and debriefing problem incidents. • Stay calm and neutral. • Engage the child’s attachment instincts. 37 Discipline strategies: • Remind the child of your relationship and role. • Use verbal and nonverbal communication including eye contact, tone of voice, physical proximity, share a smile, share a nod. 38 Additional discipline strategies: Safeguard a child’s desire to be good for you. Expect but don’t demand good things. Preserve the child’s dignity. Know the limits of yourself and the situation. Bridge what is dividing you and the child (eg. “let’s talk in a few minutes”). 39 13
NeufeldInstitute.org • Online Courses • Gordon Neufeld: • YouTube videos • TVO videos • Teach Ontario: What Makes a Bully 40 2016 book and website of Deborah MacNamara. Based on principles of Gordon Neufeld. http://macnamara.ca/ kids-best-bet-blog/ 41 2011 book with principles of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Published by New Harbinger Press. 42 14
55 Eglinton Avenue East Suite #305 Toronto, ON M4P 1G8 Phone: (416)482-5558 Fax: (416) 482 8999 43 15
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