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Doug Schmidt, Ph.D., C. Psych. Clinical and School Psychologist October 19, 2019
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Temperament
- basis of personality
- studied for decades
- apparent in early childhood
Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions... send a - - PDF document
Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions... send a - - PDF document
Doug Schmidt, Ph.D., C. Psych. Clinical and School Psychologist October 19, 2019 1 Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions... send a message about distress, signal losing internal, emotional control and external control of
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Temperament
Online questionnaire for identifying temperament: The Preventive Ounce https://www.preventiveoz.org/
Validate Temperament
You’re a kid who… That’s how you are and that’s fine. I love the way you are. You’re like uncle/aunt/cousin/etc.… Sometimes things are frustrating
because…
Stress
change life circumstances/events school peers siblings wanting more closeness with caregivers Acknowledge these stressors……!!!!!!
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Attachment versus separation
Children are facing much more
separation from parents than ever before.
Long days in daycare and full day
kindergarten can be challenging for kids.
Parental separation and family
changes.
Attachment versus separation
Extracurricular activities are
increasing.
Children and teens are becoming
peer oriented.
Technology use is increasing. Moving, not being close to extended
family more frequent.
Separation is Stressful: Make Reconnecting Easy
Talk about how separation is hard. Bridge separations by talking about the next time you’ll be together. When you reconnect, express happiness about seeing each other and a desire to do something fun. Don’t focus on your agenda or always ask, “how was your day at school?” You will get the answer, “fine,” or, “I don’t know.”
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Reduce Stress
Provide more rest & sleep. Provide more time to play. Children need lots of relaxed time
with parents and caregivers.
Play rejuvenates kids
imaginative play (dress up, puppets, figures) creative arts play sensory play connected, interactive play exercise and sports kids vary in the kinds of play they like some kids thrive on competitive sports, some do not screen games are one form of play
Reduce Stress
Talk in a relaxed way about stress Don’t ask too much. “You’ve had a hard day/week.” “Let’s do something fun.” Kids usually spill the details later.
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Talk about Distress
Sadness/Disappointment: “you feel like
crying”
Fears/Anxieties: “you feel like running
away”
Shame/Embarrassment: “you don’t feel
good about yourself and just want to hide”
Frustration/Anger: “you just want to
scream and yell or do something physical”
Anxiety
Help with transitions eg. good-bye rituals and bedtime routines. Don’t view kids as emotionally fragile and frail, unable to tolerate emotions. Don’t shy away from talking about painful or difficult feelings. Talk about fear and motivation to overcome fears (to instill courage) Remind them they don’t need to be perfect Develop rituals to connect & check in.
Talk about Distress
Amp up stress to let it out. Be alongside kids, help them get
upset with you in a safe way.
This will reduce meltdowns where
there’s buildup and losing control.
Important to be comfortable with
distress.
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Talk about Feelings
Often we help children avoid feelings. Try to make them go away. “You’ll be fine. You’re okay. Don’t worry.” We don’t want our kids to be weak or vulnerable. But if they are not vulnerable with us, their hearts will harden to us and to everyone else.
Amp up Feelings when appropriate
that really hurts that hurt your feelings that’s so painful that’s so hard
Amp up Feelings when appropriate
Stay with distress because then
soothing can have more impact.
Reduces feelings of isolation. I’ve heard parents call this:
‘sharing the pain’ and ‘flushing out painful feelings’.
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Times of connecting/ separating are important
First thing in the morning Saying goodbye before school Reuniting at the end of the day Preparing for bed and goodnight
Times of connecting/ separating are important
These times can be flashpoints for
anxiety, irritability, or sadness.
Make these transitions easier. Be attuned to these points. Provide connection. Provide support and validation.
Meltdown Triggers
being asked to do something they
don’t want to do,
being asked to stop doing
something they want to do,
leaving the house/bedtime, and separation/disappointment
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‘Collect before you Direct’
- A concept from Vancouver
psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld.
- Don’t just yell from the kitchen,
“we’re leaving/eating in 5 minutes!”
- Spend a few minutes with your child
- r teen.
‘Collect before you Direct’
- Show interest and validate their interest
in what they’re doing.
- Validate their frustration of having to
stop and do something else.
- “I know you don’t want to stop doing
- that. We’ll be back later and can do this
again.”
- Share: eye contact, a smile, and a nod
How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children)
Add more alarm:
threats of punishment loud voice, warnings, threats separation (time outs just don’t
work for many children)
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How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children)
Comment on how upset you are.
This can causes anxiety, shame,
and anger.
Often kids can only focus on their
- wn feelings.
What to say instead:
This is a tough moment. You have a lot of frustration. I know you’re angry. It’s okay to be
angry.
I’m still you’re mom/dad. We’re still
- kay.
Let’s take a break. This will pass.
Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings
Scared: out of control, afraid of
hurting others and damaging relationships, afraid of punishment
Powerful: in control Sad and lonely Ashamed if hurting others Angry 28 29 30
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Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings
- Insight about mixed feelings signal
the development of maturity (and prefrontal cortex development).
- Mixed feelings = being aware of
contrasting or conflicting desires.
Kids having tantrums can feel all mixed up:
- Eg. I have hugs for my sibling and
hits for my sibling. (a concept from Gordon Neufeld).
- Being able to see both sides (of
- ne’s own feelings, as well as the
feelings of others) indicates the development of restraint and self- regulation.
How do you help with Mixed Feelings?
Start with copious amounts of
emotional validation.
Be 100% on the side of the child. When they’re ready, help them see
their own blend of feelings and feelings of others.
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How do you help with Mixed Feelings?
When they’re ready, Present facts. Guide behaviour, or give advice or reminders
- f rules.
Go all Sydney Sunshine (“It’s going to be all right.”/”You’re okay.”) Many parents start here and are confused that their children can’t tolerate frustration or distress.
Discipline
For many children, discipline is likely to be ineffective if it involves:
Alarm (raised voices, threats, yelling,
warnings)
Separation (time outs, shaming
separations from other people)
Consequences (taking away
privileges)
Why is this?
- For sensitive, reactive, and
immature children these strategies increase frustration.
- For many children who are
already frustrated, this just make it more likely that they will continue to engage in problem behaviours.
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Discipline strategies:
- Don’t talk too much about behaviour in
the incident.
- Talk more while preparing and
debriefing problem incidents.
- Stay calm and neutral.
- Engage the child’s attachment instincts.
Discipline strategies:
- Remind the child of your relationship
and role.
- Use verbal and nonverbal
communication including eye contact, tone of voice, physical proximity, share a smile, share a nod.
Additional discipline strategies:
Safeguard a child’s desire to be good for you. Expect but don’t demand good things. Preserve the child’s dignity. Know the limits of yourself and the situation. Bridge what is dividing you and the child (eg. “let’s talk in a few minutes”).
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NeufeldInstitute.org
- Online Courses
- Gordon Neufeld:
- YouTube videos
- TVO videos
- Teach Ontario: What Makes a
Bully
http://macnamara.ca/ kids-best-bet-blog/ 2016 book and website
- f Deborah
MacNamara. Based on principles of Gordon Neufeld.
2011 book with principles
- f Dialectical Behaviour
Therapy. Published by New Harbinger Press. 40 41 42
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