SLIDE 1 Omit Needless Words
Bad: With the beginning of the new 2010’s, it is readily ascertainable that there has been little if any improvement in the overall national
- r general local economy. It is expected by some economists that a
general upturn on the national level should come about sometime during mid-2011. However, with the increase in taxes starting in January, this will reduce the amount of free funds available for the stimulation of consumer spending. Better: In 2010 we saw little if any improvement in the economy, national
- r local, and although some economists expect an upturn in
mid-2011, the tax increase scheduled to begin in January will leave consumers with less money to spend.
Use the Active Voice
Bad: More remote, less densely populated suburbs, whose lower values were often a function of how far they were from work centers, and small towns in rural locations, whose lower values were a reflection
- f the difficulty of earning a living, are likely to see considerable
appreciation of their property values in the next two decades. Better: Since many people will no longer have to commute to work centers to earn a living, property values in the more distant suburbs and rural areas should appreciate considerably in the next two decades. Also Better: Rural and exurban property values should appreciate considerably in the next two decades as it becomes easier for people to earn a living in areas remote from work centers.
Use the Active Voice
Bad: The shelter will be owned by the town, but it will be run by members of the humane society and supported, in part, by funds raised by them. The bulk of the operating funds, however, will be supplied by the town. Better: The town will own the shelter, but members of the humane society will run the facility and partially support it, through fundraising. The town will also pay most of the operating costs. Even Better: Although the town will own the shelter and pay most of the
- perating costs, members of the humane society will run the
facility and provide additional support through fund raising.
Weak Verbs
Bad: The English Department is unusually strong for a college of this
- size. It consists of twelve faculty members, whose fields of special
interest cover the range of English and American literature. The diversity and educational background of this department is suggested by the fact that important work published by its members includes such subjects as Shakespeare, Milton, Jane Austen, Tennyson, Wordsworth, Pope, and Melville. Better: The twelve faculty members who compose the English Department make it an unusually strong one for a college of this size. Their diverse backgrounds cover the range of English and American literature, and their publications include important works on Shakespeare, Milton, Jane Austen, Tennyson, Wordsworth, Pope, and Melville.
SLIDE 2 Avoid “There is” and “It is”
Bad: There is a hasty way of writing which is counterpart to the hasty way of reading. It is becoming more common every year and raises less and less protest. Better: A hasty way of writing, counterpart to the hasty way of reading, grows more common every year and raises less protest. Even Better: Hasty writing, like hasty reading. . .
Ponderous Nouns
Bad: The inference that because high school graduates are more likely to be employed than dropouts, the differences may be attributed to the possession of a diploma is suspect since dropouts and graduates may differ in a variety of ways relevant to both graduation prospects and employment status. Better: It is not necessarily the diploma that makes high school graduates more employable than dropouts; other differences may affect both their education and their job prospects.
Strings of Prepositional Phrases
Bad: The more reasoned analysis made by the Saint-Simonians of the nature of the new power situation in France and of the reasons the present government could not satisfy the needs of the people was confirmed by these developments. Better: These developments confirmed the Saint-Simonians’ more reasoned analysis of the new power situation in France and of the present government’s inability to satisfy the people’s needs.
Strings of Prepositional Phrases
Bad: At the meeting there will be a report to the stockholders on the progress of the company during the past year. A discussion period will also take place, during which the stockholders will have an
- pportunity to discuss matters of company interest.
Better: At the meeting the president [or whoever] will report to stockholders on the company’s progress during the year and then invite questions.
SLIDE 3
Strings of Prepositional Phrases
Bad: The financial statements and related data presented elsewhere in this report have been prepared in accordance with generally accepted accounting principles, which require the measurement of financial position and operating results in terms of historical dollars without regard to changes in the relative purchasing power of money over time. Better: Following generally accepted accounting principles, this report states the company’s financial position, operating results, and related data in historical dollars, disregarding changes in purchasing power.
Condensing
There are at least two larger opportunities that exist in this area. The result is an organization that is uniquely tailored to its customer base. Those who are invited to participate on the panel pay their own expenses. Montaque, which is located in the far northwest corner of the state, is the best place for sighting blue herons. He believes that in order to study efficiently you need. . . The response on the part of top management to the proposal. . . In the process of actually doing the job, you learn. . .
More Condensing
In the case of Lehman Brothers, the company didn’t adjust quickly enough to the changing market. The remark seemed hostile in character and offended the interviewer. The principal assets of the bank are monetary in nature. The production was of inferior quality. In the instance of our first production our mistake was faulty casting. We relied on the factor of surprise to give us an advantage. They showed a greater degree of interest in the outcome.
Avoid Redundancy
unprecedented interest rates that set an all-time record generously assisted us with their help continued to maintain success since the outset of our entry into the computer field green in color twenty-four in number handsome in appearance rectangular in shape
SLIDE 4
Repetitive Redundancy
first introduced final coup de gr totally devoid of flawless perfection a small trifle a new innovation straight linear movement general consensus
Very, really, truly, actually. . . awful
very large enormous, huge, gigantic, massive, gargantuan, colossal, immense, giant, titanic, towering, tremendous, mammoth, or behemoth really terrific absolutely stunning truly sensational extremely vital very devestating rather furious irritated or angered fairly essential important or useful
