Addicted to Self-Esteem? Self-Evaluation Overcoming Shame and - PDF document

Addicted to Self-Esteem? Self-Evaluation Overcoming Shame and Inadequacy Ronald D. Siegel Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy Center for Mindfulness & Compassion Harvard Medical School What Realms Define Me? Lake Wobegon • Skills & Talents Where all the women are strong, all the • Accomplishments men are good looking, and all the • Pedigree or Group Membership children are above average. • Moral Standing • Appearance Wrong Wall? The Failure of Success • The pain of I, me, me, mine • Narcissistic recalibration • Impossibility of winning consistently 1

It’s Getting Worse Suffering in Isolation • If we’re not happy, it’s our fault  Failure to buy the right consumer product  Inherent weakness • Psychiatric diagnostic system can exacerbate problem  Only sick people experience pain Egos Inflating Over Time: A Cross ‐ Temporal Narcissistic Personality Meta ‐ Analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory Inventory • I just want to be reasonably happy • I want to amount to something in the eyes of the world • If I ruled the world it would be a better place • The thought of ruling the world scares the hell out of me • I am much like everybody else • I am an extraordinary person • I always know what I’m doing • Sometimes I’m not sure of what I’m doing Journal of Personality, Volume 76, Issue 4 Three Marks of Existence Pathways to Freedom • Anicca (impermanence) • Dukkha (unsatisfactoriness) • Anatta (no enduring, separate self) 2

Therapeutic Benefits of Glimpsing Anatta 1. Increased affect tolerance Anatta 2. Radical acceptance of parts 3. Freedom from self-esteem concerns 4. Deeper connection to others Thinking Homunculus? Who Am I? Default Mode Network • Two types of self-reference  Narrative focus (NF) • Enduring traits • Talking to ourselves about ourselves  Experiential focus (EF) • Moment-to-moment experience • The mind-body in action 3

Medial Prefrontal Cortex The Study (mPFC) • Links subjective • Half of subjects engaged in 8 week MBSR experiences across course, half on wait list time • Holds memory of • All trained in narrative focus (NF) and  Self traits experiential focus (EF) modes of responding  Traits of similar to adjectives others  Reflected self- • All asked to do each approach while in fMRI knowledge scanner  Future aspirations The Results The Conclusion • In novices, experiential focus (EF) reduced • There is a fundamental neural dissociation self-referential activity in medial prefrontal between two forms of self-awareness: cortex (mPFC)  The self across time  The unfolding of moment-to-moment experience in the present moment • In MBSR participants, EF resulted in more • Mindfulness practice enables us to see these marked and pervasive reduced activity in as separate mPFC, along with increased engagement in  To see how the separate “self” is created out of a several other areas narrative No one Home To study Buddhism is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. • Continuous flow of moment-to-moment To forget the self is to be enlightened by all experience things.  New “self” born and To be enlightened by all things is to be free dies each moment • Not even a stable from attachment to the body and mind of witness one's self and of others.  Just impersonal -- Dogen 13 th Century experience unfolding 4

Copernicus of the Mind A human being is part of the whole called by us universe ... We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate • Identity is recreated from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of moment by moment consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task • Continuity of self is must be to free ourselves from the prison by illusory widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its • Like frames of a beauty. The true value of a human being is movie determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. And I, Sir, Can Be Run Through with a Sword 1) Affect Tolerance Selfing & Affect Tolerance • Not “my,” but “the” 2) Acceptance of Parts  Anger  Sadness  Fear  Joy  Lust 5

Our Polytheistic Mind How Was Your Meditation? • Part trying to attend to the breath • Part fantasizing about the future • Part judging myself • Ask the committee! Jung’s Shadow We’re all Bozos on this Bus • Dandelions in a field • We identify with some • Not a path to perfection, but a path to parts while rejecting wholeness others • Boundary of what we can accept in • We become defensive ourselves is the boundary of our when shadow is freedom illuminated – Zen Patriarch He’s just an ordinary kid. Celebrating Ordinariness -- Barry Magid ( Ordinary Mind ) 6

Self-Esteem Autobiography I get my money from Mommy. Safe Social Connection “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Love Self-Esteem It’s not just a commandment, but a law of nature. 7

Judgments Make a connection, not an impression. It’s About Other People Service Relational-Cultural Theory • Grew out of feminist critique of conventional psychology • Benefits of mutual connection  Energy and vitality  Greater capacity to act  Increased clarity  Enhanced self-worth (efficacy)  Desire and capacity for more connection 8

Life in a Space Suit Three Objects of Awareness • Defenses against • Mindfulness of sensations, thoughts, pain insulate us feelings in “me” from one another • Mindfulness of the words, body • We imagine they language, mood of the other keep us safe, but they leave us more vulnerable • Mindfulness of the flow of relationship Embracing Insignificance Poor Prognosis 9

Wat Tham Sua King of England, 1387 Tiger Cave Temple Krabi, Thailand Narcissistic Threats • Anxiety often involves threats to us or our loved ones  Self-esteem  Health  Wealth  Fantasized loss of pleasure  Anticipated disappointment 10

Looking Through Another’s Eyes Cultivating Compassion How Mindfulness Develops Condon, Desbordes, & Miller (2013) Compassion • Compassion for ourselves arises as we open to our own suffering • Compassion for others arises as we see that everyone else also suffers • Compassion arises naturally as we see our interconnectedness Loving-kindness for the Competition When Things Go Wrong Unholy trinity of • Self-criticism • Self-isolation • Self-absorption 11

Self-Compassion Self-Compassionate Letter • Describe something that makes you feel badly about yourself • Self-kindness • Think of loving, accepting, imaginary • Common Humanity friend • Write a letter to yourself from your • Mindfulness friend’s perspective ---Kristen Neff Therapeutic Progress Why Are You Unhappy? Not about me Not about me Because 99.9% of everything you think, and everything you do, is “mine” for yourself. And there isn’t one. about me “mine” about me -- Wei Wu Wei -- Adapted from Engler & Fulton To Receive Free Chapter & For recorded meditations, visit: Tailored Meditations Send a blank email to: www.mindfulness-solution.com www.sittingtogether.com handouts@yahoo.com email: rsiegel@hms.harvard.edu Subject line: IMP 12