1 The Spirit of the Lord Yahweh is on me, He has sent me to bring - - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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Beth Smith, MRE Bereavement Counselor, Noah’s Children April 25, 2018

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The Spirit of the Lord Yahweh is on me, He has sent me to bring the news to the afflicted, to soothe the broken hearted, to comfort all who mourn.

Isaiah 61: 1-2

Important Definitions The Grief Process: What to Expect Factors that Influence Grief The Six Needs of Mourning Reconciliation and Healing in Grief Complicated Grief Essentials of Caring for the Bereaved The Importance of Self Care in Bereavement Ministry

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Grief: The physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual reaction to the loss of someone or something in whom one has been deeply invested. Mourning : The outward expression of grief. Grief gone public. Bereavement : The state of loss resulting from death. Anticipatory Grief: Grief which is experienced before a loss actually occurs, as in the case of terminal illness.

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All life changes and transitions, even the positive ones involve loss and grief.

• Divorce or severing of a relationship Loss of independence
• Loss of a job or a new job Graduation
• Retirement Marriage
• Illnesses Birth of child
• Giving up a dream Sending a child to college
• Loss of a body part Aging
• Moving from a home or community Loss of valued possessions
• Loss of status Natural disasters
• Loss of a pet Holidays, family reunions
• Loss of financial security Abuse

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Grief is natural, normal, necessary, and healthy; it is not a disease

• r a problem to be solved.

Grief is a process, not an event. Each person’s grief is unique. There are no timetables, no predictable, orderly stages. Grief lasts longer than most people think, and we are never “over it.” A loss usually resurrects past losses, old issues, and unresolved conflicts. Grief will be experienced physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, spiritually. Grief will often resurface or intensify on certain occasions. It is common to wonder during grief, “Am I going crazy?”

G

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In grief, nothing stays put. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs; round and round.

• C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

The worst days now are holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, birthdays, weddings, January 31,---days meant as festivals of happiness and joy now are days of tears. The gap is too great between day and heart. Days of routine I can manage; no songs are expected. But how am I to sing in this desolate land, when there’s always one too few?

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

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Changes in sleep and eating patterns Low energy Muscle aches and pains Shortness of breath Tightness in throat or chest Digestive problems Feelings of emptiness in your stomach Sensitivity to noise Heart palpitations Nausea

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Common Grief Responses: Cognitive Short term memory problems Diffuculty making even simple decisions Think you may be going crazy

Lack of Concentration

Disorientation and confusion

Shock, Numbness, Denial, and Disbelief Disorganization, Confusion, Searching, and Yearning Anxiety, Panic, Fear Explosive Emotions: Anger, Hate, Blame, Resentment, Rage, Jealousy Guilt and Regret Sadness and Depression Relief and Release

“Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one.”

C.S. Lewis

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There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers

• f overwhelming grief,
• f deep contrition,

and of unspeakable love.

~ Washington Irving

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Depression

• Moods and feelings are static
• All-pervading sense of

depletion and hopelessness.

• Deep and ongoing loss of self-

esteem.

Assessing between Grief and Depression Grief

• Experienced in waves
• Diminishes in intensity
• ver time
• Temporary loss of self-

esteem.

* Excerpts from Therese A. Rando (1993).Treatment

• f Complicated Mourning. Research Press,

Champaign, IL.

Change in friendships Loneliness Need to spend more time alone Fear of being alone Awkwardness of other people’s reactions Disinterest in usual activities

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Some people mistakenly think that having faith means that you do not need to mourn. Faith may be deepened, renewed, changed or shattered as a result of grief. May feel angry at God May feel very close or distant from God May have difficulty attending worship May be sustained by faith Many ask questions such as: Is there a God? If God is a loving God, how does He allow bad things to happen? Why has this happened to me? What is the meaning of this? Where is my loved one now?

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Faith is a footbridge that you don’t know will hold you up over the chasm until you’re forced to walk out onto it. I’m standing there now, over the chasm. I inspect the bridge. Am I deluded in believing that in God the question shouted out by the wounds of the world has its answer? Am I deluded in believing that someday I will know the answer? Am I deluded in believing that

• nce I know the answer, I will see that love has conquered?

I cannot dispel the sense of conducting my inspection in the presence of the Creating/Resurrecting One.

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For a Son

Grief can feel very foreign and disorienting. Related reactions include:

Time Distortion Self-Focus Re-thinking and Re-telling the Story Sudden Changes in Mood Powerlessness and Helplessness Grief Attacks Crying and Sobbing Linking Objects Dreams Mystical Experiences Anniversary and Holiday Occasions

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“I was just as crazy as you can be and

still be at large. I didn’t have any really normal minutes during those two years. It wasn’t just grief, It was total confusion. I was nutty… and that’s the truth. How did I come out of it? I don’t know, because I didn’t know when I was in it that I was in it”

Helen Hayes, Actress

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The relationship with the person who died The circumstances of the death The funeral experience The unique personality of the bereaved The unique personality of the deceased The gender of the bereaved The cultural background of the bereaved The religious background of the bereaved The support system available to the bereaved Other current crises or stresses Past experience with loss Physical health of the bereaved

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Accept the reality of the death Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. Remember the person who died. Develop a new self identity. Search for meaning Let others help you—now and always.

Alan Wolfelt, Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

Reconciliation and healing in grief occurs when we open to the experience of all our feelings, and embrace and express the pain. As we do the very hard work of grief, hopefully surrounded by compassionate people and God’s loving presence, we are gradually able to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without

• ur loved one.

There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight, when you first notice then they have already been going on for some time.

• C. S, Lewis, A Grief Observed

(Signs of Reconciliation, handout provided)

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If a person truly does the work of grief and mourning, they will be transformed, forever changed, a “new normal.” There is usually growth in the areas of values, beliefs, priorities, search for meaning, and purpose in life.

“Behold, I am making all things new. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.”

Revelation 21:5

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There are instances where normal grief strays off course and becomes unhealthy or complicated. Signs of complicated grief include: Ongoing denial of the death Displacing grief by directing those feelings toward other things in life Replacing grief by reinvesting prematurely in another relationship Minimizing grief by downplaying feelings Somaticizing grief by converting feelings into physical symptoms If a bereaved person exhibits symptoms of clinical depression, is abusing alcohol or drugs, or threatens suicide or harm to another, professional intervention should be sought.

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There are certain loss situations where the bereaved is at a higher risk for complicated grief. Occurs for about 20 % of bereaved.

Suicide Violent death Sudden death Loss of a child Loss of a parent for a child Multiple loss Unresolved past loss Unfinished business in the relationship Ambivalent relationship Bereaved was highly dependent on the deceased Bereaved has mental illness

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Because each person’s grief is unique, there is no blueprint or formula for how to minister to a bereaved person. We must allow the bereaved person to teach us about their grief and what they need. Well known grief expert, Alan Wolfelt, encourages us to “companion” rather than “treat” those we care for in grief. “Companioning someone means we need to establish a helping relationship and support them not only at the time of the death and funeral, but in the ensuing weeks and months when the reality of the death hits and the most intense feelings may occur. Listening may be the most important gift we can offer the bereaved. We need to invite them to tell and retell their story, to hear their pain, to hear their memories

• f the deceased, and be comfortable sitting with them in silence. Our presence

signifies that we understand and acknowledge the significance of the loss, and are willing to “walk with” them, not ahead or behind them. In essence, we give them permission to grieve. An embrace is often very comforting when words seem to fall so short.

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Reassure the bereaved that their experience is normal. Grief can feel very foreign and disorienting. Encourage them to take advantage of resources such as counseling, support groups, and grief literature. Encourage them to nurture and care for themselves through adequate nutrition, rest, exercise, and medical care as needed. Advise them to keep major decision making and change to a minimum, if possible. Offer hope and encouragement that they can and will heal. If there are children in the family, do not forget that they are also grieving and need comfort, love, and care.

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“What I need to hear from you is

that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me, you have to come

• close. Come sit beside me on my

mourning bench.”

Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son

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“The friend who can be silent with us in

a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”

Henri Nouwen

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Know your limits Set healthy boundaries Nurture yourself—healthy food, exercise, rest, relaxation techniques Reach out for support from peers, friends, family Create opportunities to debrief Create rituals to delineate work time from personal life Reflect on powerful or difficult experiences through journaling Dispute your negative thinking Practice assertiveness Remember that you do not have to—and can’t be perfect Maintain your sense of humor

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you

• rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11: 28-30

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Thank You