Divorcing Emotions: Children’ ’s Pain, s Pain, Divorcing Emotions: Children The Controversy The Controversy Parents’ Parents ’ Grief, and the Results of a Grief, and the Results of a Randomized Trial Mediation or Litigation Randomized Trial Mediation or Litigation Children of divorce are doomed Children of divorce are doomed 12 Years Later 12 Years Later Robert E. Emery Robert E. Emery Children of divorce are resilient Children of divorce are resilient University of Virginia University of Virginia ree@virginia.edu ree@virginia. edu Is this really an either/or question? Is this really an either/or question? Emeryondivorce.com Emeryondivorce .com A publisher’s title. The real title is: When Parents Part The Trees The Trees The Forest The Forest Resilient students crying in my office Resilient students crying in my office Divorce causes stress Divorce causes stress – – conflict, grief, troubled conflict, grief, troubled relationships, uncertainty, financial problems relationships, uncertainty, financial problems My daughter, Maggie My daughter, Maggie’ ’s, love of literature s, love of literature Divorce increases risk for psychological problems Divorce increases risk for psychological problems – Risk is real: My twin studies ( Risk is real: My twin studies (D D’ ’Onofrio Onofrio et al., (2006) J of et al., (2006) J of – Abnormal Psych; Developmental Psych.) Abnormal Psych; Developmental Psych.) My student, Lisa Laumann Laumann- -Billings, sensitivity Billings, sensitivity My student, Lisa Still, most children from divorced families are resilient Still, most children from divorced families are resilient How parents parent after How parents parent after divorce promotes resilience divorce promotes resilience What researchers don What researchers don’ ’t measure but parents t measure but parents – or increases risk – or increases risk worry about: Pain worry about: Pain – The goal: Divorced parents need to be parents, so kids can The goal: Divorced parents need to be parents, so kids can – be kids (not “ be kids (not “children of divorce children of divorce” ”) ) Some of Young Adult's Painful The Pain Research The Pain Research Beliefs About Divorce Percentage of 100 well-adjusted college students who 99 UVA students whose parents divorced; no 99 UVA students whose parents divorced; no agreed or strongly agreed psychological problems psychological problems Diff.person if no div. 73 Life diff. if together 65 94 students whose parents remained married 94 students whose parents remained married Diff pers if more dad 51 Worry events like grad 49 Harder childhood 48 Really missed dad 48 53 community adolescents whose parents 53 community adolescents whose parents Wish never divorced 40 divorced 12 years earlier divorced 12 years earlier Childhood cut short 34 Wonder if dad loves me 29 Doomed to repeat probs 18 A standardized measure of pain 0 20 40 60 80 100 A standardized measure of pain Billings and Emery, 2000 1
Painful Beliefs About Childhood: Painful Beliefs About Divorce: Acceptance Divorced versus Married Percentage of 100 well-adjusted college students who agreed or strongly agreed 51 Diff pers if more dad 20 49 Hard but right my fam 81 Worry events like grad 10 48 Harder childhood 14 46 Wish more time dad 19 Comfortable talking 74 29 Wonder if dad loves me 10 Parents happier after 74 0 10 20 30 40 50 60 Divorced Married Relieved tensions 47 0 20 40 60 80 100 Percent agree or strongly agree; based on Billings and Emery, 2000; Billings and Emery, 1997 Mean Loss Scores by Father 73 I'd be a different person if no divorce 44 Contact 49 22 I worry about events with both parents 25 48 20 I had a harder childhood 35 18 29 I wonder if Dad loves me 28 16 18 Feel doomed to repeat problems 23 14 Weekly 1 to 3 times month Several/year or less 0 20 40 60 80 100 College 16.8 20 18.6 College (N=99) Custody (N=53) Custody 15.6 18.8 17 College Custody Marquardt (2005): Selected Items The Take Home Message The Take Home Message Pain is not pathology Pain is not pathology Very/pretty happy Grief is not a mental disorder Grief is not a mental disorder Outsider in home Married Adultlike kid But pain is a part of divorce, even for resilient But pain is a part of divorce, even for resilient Divorced children children Christmas stressful Many losses in life We want to recognize both the forest and the We want to recognize both the forest and the trees trees Pray as child 0 20 40 60 80 100 2
Costs of Divorce Conflict Costs of Divorce Conflict Not subtle… … Not subtle Benefits of Cooperation Benefits of Cooperation Many ways to encourage parents to work Many ways to encourage parents to work together as parents together as parents July 12, 2006. Dr. Nicholas Bartha, 66, blows up Manhattan townhouse after sending ex-wife email: “You will be transformed from a gold digger into an ash and rubble digger.” Hierarchy of Interventions in Hierarchy of Interventions in Final Settlement Methods for 933 Custody and Visitation Issues Divorce Divorce Negotiating at kitchen table (pro se divorce) Negotiating at kitchen table (pro se divorce) Judge Decides Settled During Trial Divorce education Divorce education 1.5% Settled after Evaluation Mediation Mediation 2.2% Settled in Mediation Collaborative law Collaborative law Lawyer Negotiated, Not Uncontested 5.2% Settled, Uncontested Adversary attorney negotiations Adversary attorney negotiations 11.1% Psychological evaluation, med/arb Psychological evaluation, med/ arb (arbitration) (arbitration) 29.3% Judicial decision making Judicial decision making Parent coordinators (med/arb arb; limited ; limited 50.4% Parent coordinators (med/ coordinator decision- coordinator decision -making authority) making authority) 0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% Based on Maccoby and Mnookin 1992 3
Mediation Mediation The Mediation Study The Mediation Study My focus and expertise My focus and expertise High conflict families High conflict families – – filing for contested filing for contested – Aside: Calling it mediation doesn Aside: Calling it mediation doesn’ ’t make it so t make it so – custody hearing custody hearing – Much variation in mediation quality – Much variation in mediation quality Random assignment (the magic of science) to Random assignment (the magic of science) to mediation or adversary settlement mediation or adversary settlement In all cases, mediation is hard work In all cases, mediation is hard work Young, low income sample Young, low income sample Longitudinal study – Longitudinal study – 12 years 12 years What happens to angry families after they leave What happens to angry families after they leave Short Short- -term (5 hr average) problem term (5 hr average) problem- -focused but focused but mediator’ ’s office s office – – and years later? and years later? mediator emotionally emotionally- -informed mediation informed mediation We hope we’ We hope we ’ve planted a seed. Have we ve planted a seed. Have we Father-Child Contact After Separation: Grief: The Central Emotion Grief: The Central Emotion By Length of Time Since Separation Losses in divorce: Your marriage, maybe Losses in divorce: Your marriage, maybe 100% your children, your home, your savings, your children, your home, your savings, Several/week 80% your friends, your role, your hopes and your friends, your role, your hopes and Once a week dreams dreams 1-3/month 60% Several/year Grief is a normal and healthy reaction to Grief is a normal and healthy reaction to 40% Once a year loss loss Not at all 20% How do most people handle the hurt and How do most people handle the hurt and 0% pain of lost love? pain of lost love? 0 to 2 3 to 5 6 to 10 11 + Years Since Separation Based on Seltzer, 1991 A Theory of Grieving in Cycles Not Stages Problems with Grieving Divorce Problems with Grieving Divorce Love Unrecognized grief Unrecognized grief No one to grieve with: Your ex? Ha, ha. Your No one to grieve with: Your ex? Ha, ha. Your children. Hopefully not. children. Hopefully not. Lose support of friends and families instead of Lose support of friends and families instead of garnering it (as happens following death) garnering it (as happens following death) Anger And the big issue: An uncertain loss, a And the big issue: An uncertain loss, a Sadness potentially reconcilable one potentially reconcilable one This makes grief different. This makes grief different. – Kubler – Kubler- -Ross, Ross, Bowlby Bowlby stages: Denial, anger, stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance bargaining, depression, acceptance – Emery cycles: Love, anger, sadness Emery cycles: Love, anger, sadness – 4
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