for turbulent conversations Brenda Ratcliff LDC provider panel - - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

Practical tools for turbulent conversations

Brenda Ratcliff

LDC provider panel member

Tuesday 5 September 2017

Why did you enrol?

Our Topics:

• 1. Set and deliver your key messages
• 2. Stay in a resourceful state
• 3. Use Reflective Listening to understand other’s

concerns

• 4. Understand the triggers to your own and other’s

responses So that you get your needs met and you preserve the relationship.

Safety Messages for our Fellow Passengers

• 1. Confidentiality
• 2. Listening
• 3. Give activities a go
• 4. Ask questions
• 5. Put on your own oxygen mask first
• 6. Enjoy your flight!

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

1

2

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

3

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

4

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

5

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

6

Tools to pack in your ‘Carry-on Luggage’

Mystery carry-on item Number 7

?

How did we get here?

Understand the triggers to your

• wn and other’s responses

Victim Rescuer Drama Triangle

Persecutor

Activity

1. Please describe a time that is OK to share, when you have sat in one of the Victim Rescuer or Persecutor chairs. 2. Do you have a favorite chair?

• 3. What triggers you into sitting in that chair?

There is a way out….

Person in the Rescuer Chair experiences wet feet. Are you in their paddling pool?

What are the triggers and responses of Rescuers in the Drama Triangle?

Rescuer

What are the triggers and responses of the Victims and Persecutors?

Victim Rescuer Drama Triangle

Persecutor

Understand the triggers to your

• wn and other’s responses

Source: Managing with the Brain in Mind. David Rock. strategy+business issue 56, Autumn 2009

In the brain

Social Pain = Physical Pain What triggers Social Pain?

Threat to Status

Threat to Certainty

Threat to Autonomy

Threat to Autonomy

Threat to Autonomy

Threat to Relatedness

Threat to Fairness

SCARF Model

Status Certainty Autonomy Relatedness Fairness

Which leads to the responses of

Fight Freeze Flight

Person in the Victim Chair experiences the Flight

• r Freeze response

Victim

Drama Triangle

Victim

Person in the Persecutor Chair experiences the Fight response. When you get squeezed, what comes out of you?

Drama Triangle

Persecutor

Activity - self

• 1. Please think of a situation in the past that is OK to

share, when you went into Fight Flight or Freeze.

• 2. Which domain of the SCARF model triggered you

into that response?

• 3. Is there a pattern to these situations?
• 4. How could you put a deposit into that particular

domain of the SCARF model?

Activity - other

• 1. Please think of a situation in the past that is OK to

share, when you have worked with a person who has gone into Fight Flight or Freeze.

• 2. Which domain of the SCARF model triggered them into

that response?

• 3. How could you put a deposit into that particular

domain of the SCARF model?

• 4. Page 2: Going forward, please think of a future time,

when you will be working with another person.

1. Will my action trigger one of these domains in the other person? 2. What can I do to make a deposit in one of these domains?

The Winner’s Triangle

Not 3 chairs and 2 people, rather three attributes displayed by you.

Caring Assertive Winner’s Triangle

Vulnerable

Vulnerable = Just show up

Winner’s Triangle

Vulnerable

Assertive = Set and Deliver Your Key Messages

Winner’s Triangle

Assertive

Set and Deliver Your Key Messages

Why? What? How? What if?

Activity

• 1. Please think of a situation where you want to set and

deliver key messages.

• 2. Notice the Drama Triangle chairs you might have sat

in.

• 3. Take SCARF into account for domains you may need

to make a deposit in when talking with the other person.

• 4. Talk through pages 3-5 of the worksheet on how this

structure could guide your conversation.

Caring = Reflective Listening of both Content and Emotion

Winner’s Triangle

Caring

Activity - Reflective Listening

1. One person talks about their issue 2. You reflect content and emotion, until they nod. Keep going until you get that nod, as this indicates they feel understood by you. 3. Then ask: “What would you like to happen that is not happening now?” 4. Reflectively listen to their content and emotion. 5. Then ask: “What can you do to get the result you want?” 1. If they suggest you do something, you can say: “That’s one idea. Let’s brainstorm another idea of an action you could take. Your turn.” 2. If you find you have suggested actions for yourself, you can say “I’ve thought of some

• things. What are your ideas for your actions to move forward?”

6. Reflectively listen to the content of those ideas till they nod. Then ask “Which of these ideas do you have the most energy for, which you think will have the biggest impact on the situation?” 7. Reflectively listen to their content and emotion. 8. Then ask, “What else needs to happen now for you to let this go and move forward?” If they ask you to do something, and it feels like rescuing for you, then you can say “I think the best thing I can do to support you right now is to listen and help you find your own solutions that work for you. 9. If they say they are fine, then that’s great. You can check in later should you wish.

Summary

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Mystery carry-on item No. 7

Rumi – 13th century poet and mystic

You were born with potential You were born with wings You were born with ideals and dreams You were born with greatness You were not meant for crawling so don’t You have wings Learn to use them and fly

Thank you!

Brenda Ratcliff LDC Panel member brenda@mindmeldcoaching.com 021847727