Practical tools for turbulent conversations Brenda Ratcliff LDC provider panel member Tuesday 5 September 2017
Why did you enrol?
Our Topics: 1. Set and deliver your key messages 2. Stay in a resourceful state 3. Use Reflective Listening to understand other’s concerns 4. Understand the triggers to your own and other’s responses So that you get your needs met and you preserve the relationship.
Safety Messages for our Fellow Passengers 1. Confidentiality 2. Listening 3. Give activities a go 4. Ask questions 5. Put on your own oxygen mask first 6. Enjoy your flight!
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 1
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 2
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 3
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 4
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 5
Tools to pack in your ‘Carry -on Luggage’ 6
Mystery carry-on item Number 7 ?
How did we get here?
Understand the triggers to your own and other’s responses Victim Drama Triangle Rescuer Persecutor
Activity 1. Please describe a time that is OK to share, when you have sat in one of the Victim Rescuer or Persecutor chairs. 2. Do you have a favorite chair? 3. What triggers you into sitting in that chair? There is a way out….
What are the triggers and responses of Rescuers in the Drama Triangle? Person in the Rescuer Chair experiences wet feet. Are you in their paddling pool? Rescuer
What are the triggers and responses of the Victims and Persecutors? Victim Drama Triangle Rescuer Persecutor
Understand the triggers to your own and other’s responses Source: Managing with the Brain in Mind. David Rock. strategy+business issue 56, Autumn 2009
In the brain Social Pain = Physical Pain What triggers Social Pain?
Threat to Status
Threat to Certainty
Threat to Autonomy
Threat to Autonomy
Threat to Autonomy
Threat to Relatedness
Threat to Fairness
SCARF Model Status Certainty Autonomy Relatedness Fairness
Which leads to the responses of Fight Freeze Flight
Drama Triangle Victim Person in the Victim Chair experiences the Flight or Freeze response Victim
Drama Triangle Person in the Persecutor Chair experiences the Fight response. When you get squeezed, what comes out of you? Persecutor
Activity - self 1. Please think of a situation in the past that is OK to share, when you went into Fight Flight or Freeze. 2. Which domain of the SCARF model triggered you into that response? 3. Is there a pattern to these situations? 4. How could you put a deposit into that particular domain of the SCARF model?
Activity - other 1. Please think of a situation in the past that is OK to share, when you have worked with a person who has gone into Fight Flight or Freeze. 2. Which domain of the SCARF model triggered them into that response? 3. How could you put a deposit into that particular domain of the SCARF model? 4. Page 2: Going forward, please think of a future time, when you will be working with another person. 1. Will my action trigger one of these domains in the other person? 2. What can I do to make a deposit in one of these domains?
The Winner’s Triangle Caring Winner’s Triangle Assertive Vulnerable Not 3 chairs and 2 people, rather three attributes displayed by you.
Winner’s Triangle Vulnerable = Just show up Vulnerable
Winner’s Triangle Assertive = Set and Deliver Your Key Messages Assertive
Set and Deliver Your Key Messages Why? What What? if? How?
Activity 1. Please think of a situation where you want to set and deliver key messages. 2. Notice the Drama Triangle chairs you might have sat in. 3. Take SCARF into account for domains you may need to make a deposit in when talking with the other person. 4. Talk through pages 3-5 of the worksheet on how this structure could guide your conversation.
Winner’s Triangle Caring = Reflective Listening of both Content and Emotion Caring
Activity - Reflective Listening 1. One person talks about their issue 2. You reflect content and emotion, until they nod. Keep going until you get that nod, as this indicates they feel understood by you. 3. Then ask: “ What would you like to happen that is not happening now?” 4. Reflectively listen to their content and emotion. 5. Then ask: “ What can you do to get the result you want?” 1. If they suggest you do something, you can say: “ That’s one idea. Let’s brainstorm another idea of an action you could take. Your turn.” 2. If you find you have suggested actions for yourself, you can say “ I’ve thought of some things. What are your ideas for your actions to move forward?” 6. Reflectively listen to the content of those ideas till they nod. Then ask “Which of these ideas do you have the most energy for, which you think will have the biggest impact on the situation?” 7. Reflectively listen to their content and emotion. 8. Then ask, “What else needs to happen now for you to let this go and move forward?” If they ask you to do something, and it feels like rescuing for you, then you can say “I think the best thing I can do to support you right now is to listen and help you find your own solutions that work for you. 9. If they say they are fine, then that’s great. You can check in later should you wish.
Summary ?
Mystery carry-on item No. 7
Rumi – 13 th century poet and mystic You were born with potential You were born with wings You were born with ideals and dreams You were born with greatness You were not meant for crawling so don’t You have wings Learn to use them and fly
Thank you! Brenda Ratcliff LDC Panel member brenda@mindmeldcoaching.com 021847727
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