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Covenants: Why They Fail. Why They Shouldn’t. A Presentation to Members of the Greater Philly Unitarian Universalists

Mark Bernstein m.mjbernstein@verizon.net

What is it about the number “5”?

• 1. Human beings become human by making

commitment, by making promise.

• 2. The covenant is a covenant of being,

something we cannot control, but something upon which we depend.

• 3. Through covenant, the individual is brought
• ut of separateness and becomes

responsible not only for individual behavior but also for the character of society.

What is it about the number “5”?

• 4. The covenant especially benefits those who

suffer from neglect and injustice; who are caught in a system that suppresses their own self‐determination.

• 5. The covenant includes a rule of law, but is not

a legal covenant. It depends upon faithfulness, nerved by loyalty and by love.

James Luther Adams “The Five Major Ingredients of Covenant”

The Domain of Law – “Where

• ur actions are

prescribed by laws binding upon us which must be

• beyed.”

The Domain of Free Choice – “which includes all those actions as to which we claim and enjoy complete freedom.” The Domain of Obedience to the Unenforceable – “in which our actions are not determined by law but in which we are not free to behave in any way we choose.”

Obedience is the

• bedience of a man

to that which he cannot be forced to

• bey. He is the

enforcer of the law upon himself.”

Lets Go Mets

Obedience to the unenforceable: “that area of our lives of faith in which we submit to certain ways of living because we hold membership in a faith community that rests on beliefs and values that prescribe such behaviors.” Gil Rendle

So, why do covenants fail already??

Individual Systemic

“Saying you are going to do something feels just as good as actually doing it.” Heidi Grant Halvorson, PhD Covenant I Look Good !

Telling others about your intention to do something does make you more likely to actually do it, but this is only true when the actual behavior you are committing to is desirable for its own sake. We need to agree to a covenant because we really believe in the intended actions and

• utcomes of the covenant, not because it makes

us feel good to agree to a covenant.

Its like being in love with the idea of being in love rather than being in love.

Individual members of a congregation need to agree to a covenant not just as a way to bolster

• ur identities as loyal and cooperative members
• f the congregation (because it feels good), but

because we believe that following the tenets of the covenant is valuable in its own right. If we don’t, we’ll break our promise.

“I never meant it to begin with”

“I’m not a joiner”

“I can’t see the benefit in keeping the promise”

“I can’t see the damage done by breaking a promise”

“Its okay. They’ll forgive me”

Covenants that are “top down” will fail.

Taking ownership requires that we act as if we are creating what exists in the world. This will only happen if we believe in the possibility that our congregation is mine or ours to create. It stems from the belief that each of us is cause not effect.

Covenants that are not specific will fail.

We build our church on a foundation of love and covenant with one another, To freely explore our values and honor our diversity as a source of communal strength, To accept responsibility for our individual acts and promote justice and peace, To celebrate the joys of discovery, embracing the fullest measure of our humanity, To communicate with kindness and support, To serve with compassion and commitment, To openly share our laughter and tears and, To show reverence for the divine in all that it is. A Congregation in Vermont

We practice manners and civility in our membership. We act as stewards of our sacred spaces. In behavioral and observable terms we promise to

• a. Allow all a chance to speak and listen so that all are heard and

understood.

• b. Help each other as we are able with time, money, talent, and spirit
• c. Support congregation leaders and programs unless we have strong

reasons to challenge or oppose them; abide by existing structures, leadership directives, and bylaws while working for change.

• d. Refrain from gossip and from ridiculing, attacking or invalidating
• thers through word or deed.
• e. Remind others kindly of the spirit of this document when needed.
• f. Show manners appropriate to a church or sanctified space e.g.

silence, quiet contemplation or prayer, reverence and heart‐felt spiritual self‐expression, during the worship service.

We direct controversial congregational‐related communications through appropriate channels. In behavioral and observable terms we promise to

• a. When feasible, attempt to resolve interpersonal disputes
• r grievances directly and privately.
• b. Attempt to resolve non‐personal controversies e.g. on

policies, programs or finances through the relevant committee or channel.

• c. Follow established procedures for mediation and conflict

resolution if our efforts to resolve issues are unsuccessful.

• d. Abide by outcome of the conflict resolution process.

We strive to focus on the issues and behaviors, not on people and personalities. In behavioral and observable terms we promise to

• a. Address the issues and points under review in
• ur discussions and deliberations; avoid “naming

and blaming.”

• b. Use “I” statements to set a tone of presenting

and sharing rather than attacking and criticizing.

• c. Consider the message on its merits; avoid

personalizing communications about issues and remembering that the message is about the matter at hand, not about the sender or receiver .

Covenants that are not reinforced will fail

Respect Open Communication Conflict Confusion

Order of Service Website Covenant Appreciation Day

New Members Packet Covenant Champion of the Month

Gotchas

Covenants that mask more deep seated problems in a congregation will fail.

To ensure the success of your covenant…

• Involve everyone in the making of the

covenant to the extent possible

• Write your covenant so that it is inclusive

enough to inspire everyone to act, yet specific enough so that congregants know how to act

• Reinforce adherence to the covenant both

individually and collectively

• Bag the covenant and start working on the

problems that are holding your congregation back

Greater Philly UU Cluster Covenant

• Be true to UU purposes & principles
• Listening to others with respect and regard
• Be as present as possible
• Share knowledge
• Communicate with congregations
• Step up but step back
• Talk about strengths rather than limitations
• Process others comments thoroughly before responding

thoughtfully

• Start & end on time
• Honor commitments
• Be conscious of others styles and limitations
• Open minds and optimism
• Avoid saying, been there, done that, didn’t work

Your mission (should you choose to accept it)

What should come

• ut?

What should be changed? What should be added?

"Therefore, observe the words

• f this covenant and follow

them, so that you will succeed in everything you do.” Deuteronomy 29:9