5 STAGES OF INTIMACY Dr. Jessica Higgins THE DEVELOPMENT OF - - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

5 STAGES OF INTIMACY

• Dr. Jessica Higgins

THE DEVELOPMENT OF INTIMACY

• Every couple goes through clear and predictable developmental

stages within their relationship.

• The stages are not linear, as sometimes life challenges require us

to negotiate a stage again.

• No two people are alike in the world. Each relationship is

going to be unlike any other relationship.

• Every couple has it’s own unique expression of these stages.

MANY COUPLES GET STUCK WITHIN A STAGE BECAUSE THEY:

• Do not have the emotionally strength.
• Do not have the awareness and understanding of what is

required of them to develop further.

• Have ineffective ways of dealing with conflict.
• Don’t have a model or path of successful relationship.

Without a model, it is easy to worry, doubt, and want to quit.

THE FIRST STAGE: ROMANCE

THE ROMANCE STAGE

• Characterized by intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to

be together.

• Couples seek closeness, uncover their similarities, and begin falling

in love.

• It is a beautiful time of bonding, connecting, and feeling a sense of

“we-ness.”

• There is a great deal of passion and mutual giving and receiving.

• Partners often deny differences and overlook flaws,

envisioning their mate as ideal.

• They imagine that they know each other. They have a fantasy
• f who they are and what they will be like.
• Neurochemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, support this

ecstatic state of being in love and help us form a powerful bond.

• We tend to glamorize this stage and idealize it as the ultimate

experience of love.

This initial stage of romance and attraction helps couples develop a powerful bond that sets the stage for a lifelong partnership. However, more elements are needed to build a solid foundation that can sustain lasting intimacy and personal growth. Usually, the romance stage lasts several months, averaging about 18 months.

THE SECOND STAGE: POWER STRUGGLE

THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE

• The romantic illusion, from the romance stage, is replaced by

disillusionment because partners do not live up to each other’s fantasies.

• Differences are apparent, and flaws become more visible.
• Couples feel pained and panicked as the conflict and struggle

does not fit into their mental framework for what a relationship is supposed to be like.

• Partners will usually resort to ineffective ways of mitigating

the challenges.

• Avoiding the conflict is one strategy, thinking, “if we didn’t

rock the boat, things would be better.”

• Trying to change the other is another strategy, saying, “if you

would only ___________, we wouldn’t have these problems.”

• Trying to change the self is another common approach,

thinking, “Maybe if I change ___________, we will be better.”

• A high percentage of couples (about 85%) will not make it

beyond the power struggle stage.

• Some couples will get stuck for years and years, and some

couples will seek to end the relationship.

• This is an incredible difficult phase that requires people to

deal with intense feelings of fear, anger, disappointment, grief, and frustration.

• This is where couples mostly likely will seek therapy.

A central task of this developmental stage is finding ways to resolve conflict. Another goal of this stage is to establish differentiation or autonomy within the relationship. This stage can last several months to several years or forever (depending on your willingness and ability to overcome challenges together).

THE THIRD STAGE: STABILITY

THE STABILITY STAGE

• Couples begin to acknowledge their differences.
• They focus less on trying to change each other and more
• n trying to understand each other.
• They start to develop a mutual level of respect and

consideration for one another.

• Partners will find a new appreciation for their differences.
• They will start to see how their differences can be

complementary, and how they can learn from one another.

• Partners will not see their conflicts as an inherent problem.
• While they may feel some discomfort with a conflict, they

will not see the conflict as threatening or catastrophic in and

• f itself.

• Couples view challenges and differences as part of the path of long-

term intimacy.

• They will look for the learning and opportunities within the

relationship challenges.

• They value the relationship growth, as well as their own personal

growth that comes from working through conflicts together.

• Partners feel more comfortable expressing their unique attributes and

interests.

• Respectively, they place a value on their autonomy, fostering their

individual competencies, esteem, and growth.

As couples increase their appreciation for one another, personal freedom, and authenticity, they will feel more passion and intimacy together. Partners can also learn forgiveness, boundaries, and harmony within this stage.

THE FOURTH STAGE: COMMITMENT

THE COMMITMENT STAGE

• Couples negotiate the sensitive balance between intimacy

and autonomy more easily.

• They value the importance of personal space and

independence as well as the importance of closeness and intimacy.

• They are more skillful in communicating and advocating for

time apart and time together.

• Couples accept each other more fully. While they might not

agree with their partner’s approach or outlook at times, they will honor and respect their partner’s perspective.

• Together they will give space and credence for each of their

perspectives.

• When differences and conflicts do occur, couples will seek to

understand each other more deeply.

• They will work together to find mutually compatible

solutions, and the couple will strive for win-win outcomes.

Commitments in this stage are genuine and well-informed. Partners have a much better sense of what is involved with their commitments and sincerely say “yes” to each other. They have the opportunity to continue to deepen their level of commitment and consciously “choose in” over and over again. In this stage, partners learn acceptance, deeper levels of commitment, and how to creatively solve conflicts together.

THE FIFTH STAGE: CO-CREATION

THE CO-CREATION STAGE

• Involves a quality of synergy, where the couple’s collective

effort results in an effect that is greater than the sum of their individual contributions.

• Embraces true intimacy, recognizing that the power of the

union is greater than the sum of its parts.

• It is estimated that only 12-15% of all couples reach this

stage.

• In order to achieve intimacy and mutual satisfaction in

relationship, couples must be willing to become mature, and nothing forces us to accept our inner tendency to grow.

• Most couples will not admit that it takes a level of

investment to maintain intimacy because in the early stages

• f relationship, intimacy is attained almost effortlessly.

• Growth requires conscious choice and active involvement.
• It takes a tremendous amount of courage, integrity, and faith to

take the risk to reveal one’s vulnerably for the interest of growth.

• The growth of love is a conscious choice on the part of both

partners because it requires a reciprocal amount of energy invested into self and in the relationship.

• They do not hold back their love and engagement, because they

know that it would compromise the level of intimacy and the potential of their relationship.

In the co-creation stage, partners work well together. They are able to reach bigger goals and accomplish great things with their combined efforts. Couples might take on projects, where they make contributions to the world beyond their partnership. In this stage, partners learn the powerful effect they can have when they work in synergy.

IN SUMMARY:

Knowing these relationship stages might help you tolerate some of the discomfort and encourage you to put forth the effort and dedication to overcome challenges, particularly in the power struggle stage.

“UNITY” MINDSET VS “JOURNEY” MINDSET

• Expectation that relationship

means perfect harmony

• Difficulty getting over conflicts
• Recalling conflicts makes

them unhappy

• See relationship as a journey
• Willing to talk through

problems

• Thinking differently leads to

different ways of evaluating their relationship

• Put less effort into working

through relationship conflict

• Conflicts hurt relationship

satisfaction

• More likely to split
• Results driven
• It might seem hard right now,

but things will get better

• Conflict is seen as a learning
• pportunity
• More likely to work through

challenges

• Process driven

WHAT IF WE KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT?

• Would we gain strength and skill intentionally?
• Would we see difficulties as challenges?
• Would we strive for growth to overcome difficulties more

successfully?

• Would we view our relationship from a journey mindset?

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