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SKILLS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: BUILDING ROMANTIC COMPETENCE IN YOUNG PEOPLE

Joanne Davila, PhD Stony Brook University

United States Naval Academy Annapolis MD April 4, 2019

The features of a healthy relationship

• Intimacy
• Security
• Respect
• Good communication
• A sense of being valued

The features of an unhealthy one

• Unresolved conflict
• Lack of support
• Criticism, contempt, hostility
• Aggression and violence

PROBLEMS IN RELATIONSHIPS CAN LEAD TO…

• Relationship distress/low satisfaction
• Relationship break-ups/divorce
• Poor physical health
• Poor mental health, especially depression
• Poor work and school performance
• Poor outcomes for children

BUT THERE’S A PROBLEM

THE PROBLEM:

• People know what a healthy relationship looks like
• But most don’t know how to get one
• And no one ever teaches them how to do so

WHEN DO WE TYPICALLY TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS?

• Couple therapy
• Pre-marital relationship education
• Fail to address:
• Genuinely knowing what you need in a partner and a

relationship

• Selecting the right person
• Having and using the skills to build a healthy relationship

right from the beginning

THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM:

• We need to identify the skills necessary to create

a healthy relationship and reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships

ROMANTIC COMPETENCE

The capacity for people to function adaptively in their romantic lives

All stages of the relationship process Regardless of relationship status Regardless of relationship type

• Three skills:
• Insight
• Mutuality
• Emotion regulation

INSIGHT

• Awareness, understanding and learning
• With insight, you’ll be able to:
• Know yourself better – who you are, what you need, why you do the things you do…
• Know the same things about your partner (or potential partner)
• Anticipate what the positive and negative consequences of your actions will be
• Learn from your mistakes in ways that allow you to make better choices in the future
• Have a greater understanding about what kind of person and relationship is right

for you

MUTUALITY

• Both people have needs and both are important
• With mutuality, you’ll be able to:
• Communicate your needs in a clear, direct way that optimizes your chances of getting

them met

• Be willing and able to meet your partner’s needs
• Factor both sets of needs into decisions that you make about your relationship

EMOTION REGULATION

• Regulate your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship

life

• If you’re practicing emotion regulation you’ll be able to:
• Keep your emotions calm when you’re upset about things and keep things that

happen in your relationship in perspective

• Tolerate uncomfortable feelings rather than acting impulsively on them and think

more clearly about your decisions and actions

• Maintain self-respect and commitment to your needs even when difficult things

happen in your relationship

RESULTS

Greater romantic competence was associated with better relational functioning and greater individual well-being Romantic attachment security Relationship decision making Relationship satisfaction Fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety

• Largely true for both women and men
• Supports the model of romantic competence

RESULTS

Greater romantic competence was associated with more adaptive couple behavior Adaptive social support behavior  Positive emotional expression  Adaptive problem solving behavior

Then predicts satisfaction and break-up status

• Supports the model of romantic competence

RE WORKSHOP

• Four key issues:
• Figure out whether a relationship is right for you.
• Understand what makes a relationship work.
• Know when to stay in a relationship and when to go.
• Deal with a break-up effectively and in a way that lets you move forward.

PROMOTION OF THE SKILLS

• Insight
• Awareness of traits, thoughts/feelings/behaviors, needs
• Consequential thinking
• Mutuality
• Perspective-taking, understanding, empathy
• Communication and problem solving skills
• Emotion Regulation
• Emotional awareness and identification of emotions
• Distress tolerance, tolerance of uncertainty, and reduction of impulsive behavior
• Appropriate emotional expression
• Mindfulness skills
• Creation of realistic, healthy self-talk

KEY THEMES

Both people in a relationship have needs that deserve to get met Approach relationships from a place of personal strength – where you feel worthy and deserving Know what you want and what your limits are Be with someone who wants what you have to offer – don’t try to make yourself into what you think that person wants For a healthy relationship, love is necessary but not sufficient A breakup isn’t the end of the world, it’s a sign that the relationship wasn’t right for you

RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION

Within RE group

At post-test, 91% said they would do something different At FU, 67% said they did do something different

 Communicate better  Listened more  Paid attention to my needs  Understand my feelings better  More realistic

RE compared to WL

At post-test and FU, RE reported:

 Greater confidence about using the skills  Greater ability to cope with RR problems  More adaptive relationship decision making  In one sample: Lower endorsement of dysfunctional beliefs about aggression

THANK YOU!

Thanks to:

• Stony Brook University
• The RDC Lab (past and present)
• Vickie Bhatia, Jess Latack, Brian Feinstein, Jiaqi Zhou, Lauren Mize
• Nicole Barle, Leanne Zinn, Korey Abbriano
• Alexandra Byrne, Haley Wodarczyk, Katie Chan, Jeremy Jabbour, Ruth Hernandez Montiel,
• Jonathan Mattanah, PhD at Towson U.
• Kaycee Lashman, book co-author

QUESTIONS?

Contact me: joanne.davila@stonybrook.edu