10/7/2017 DEALI NG W I TH DI FFI CULT PEOPLE DI FFI CULT Y I D E N T I F Y T H E A N D T H E C O N F L I C T T H AT C O M E S W I T H I T POW ER M ONSTERS ANSW ER GUYS People who feed on power and are People who know everything, driven to control people as well as just ask them. situations. W HINERS M ANIPULATORS People who complain incessantly, and Expert deceivers that’s all they do who seldom give all the facts 1
10/7/2017 TOUGH GUYS OTHERS • Others might include: People who bully –Unresponsive others, make –Wishy-washy cutting remarks –Always agreeable and throw tantrums IM PORTANCE! Just because it’s not important to you, doesn’t mean it’s not important PERSPECTI V E K E E P I N G FACTS ONLY CHANGE… NOT Address issues and Don’t expect facts, NOT people to change; people. they are not likely to change; AND this can be a good thing, it makes them more predictable 2
10/7/2017 LESS EM OTIONS Whenever possible, leave out the emotions PLAN H AV E A W HY W E AVOID SQUASHING THE FEAR CONFRONTATION • Fear of injury • Fear of failure • Fear of hurting others’ feelings • Fear of rejection • Fear of financial impacts ASK QUESTIONS TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE PERSON Be specific about the See the situation situation or about from their view; why “we’re at this and remember place… there are lots of things going on in peoples’ lives besides this current issue 3
10/7/2017 CLEAR FACTS DIRECTNESS Be certain the facts Deal with the of the situation are person directly and discreetly if clear, agree on as much as possible possible STRAIGHTFORW ARD AND FIND COM M ON GROUND UNEM OTIONAL Some issues are emotional and Find something you sometimes you are can agree on, even if the only non- it’s as simple as emotional party; it’s “great weather hard, but worth it we’re having…” LISTEN! SHARE YOUR FEELINGS Probably the most While we’re keeping emotions out, you crucial element obviously have feelings about the situation, behavior, etc. It’s OK to share 4
10/7/2017 BE GRACIOUS Webster defines Gracious as… “kind and pleasant in manner,…” “…merciful.” I have heard it said, “If you RESPOND have to choose between V E R S U S R E A C T I O N being right and being kind, always choose kind.” KNOW YOURSELF SKILLED RESPONSES Often difficult Teach yourself to situations escalate have skilled because of our responses response or reaction. KNOW YOUR “ HOT” BUTTON HAVING THE LAST W ORD Is having the last word Have coping really so important? strategies for dealing with Let it go… move on – reactions to things this will help others do that you might the same perceive as a threat 5
10/7/2017 W HAT IS CONFLICT? “1. a fight, a struggle. 2. disagreement between people with different ideas or beliefs.” (Oxford 179) CONFLI CT D E A L I N G W I T H T H E M O S T S E R I O U S O F SEND THE RI GHT M ESSAGE SIT DOW N W I TH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE TOO! It’s much harder to be angry sitting down. LISTENING KEYS TO GOOD LISTENING The simple appearance of • The single most your listening can be important key to beneficial. conflict Most important, Ask questions. This resolution. demonstrates you are A closed listening and can clear up mouth. any misunderstandings. My father says “It’s better to remain silent Listen actively, so you can and be thought of a fool, than to speak and understand. remove all doubt.” 6
10/7/2017 FIND SOM E COM M ON KNOW HOW YOU W ILL GROUND REACT It’s easiest to resolve conflict if we know It’s always helpful to find something both what and why we feel the way we do. parties can agree on. Most of us have hot buttons, know what they are and how you will respond. For example: Understanding ourselves, makes it easier • You want what’s best for their child to share that information with others and • What a beautiful day helps us to concentrate on understanding • Great weather, the other person. BE HONEST. ARTICULATE W ORK FOR A SOLUTION Once you have a clear CLEARLY. understanding of the Often called assertive problem, try to come up communication, it’s a with a solution. Don’t way to say what’s on be afraid to ask the your mind clearly and other person what the straightforward best possible solution for without being them is AND don’t be aggressive or afraid to tell them, what criticizing the other is NOT a possibility. person in some way. KNOW W HEN TO STOP If your best skills aren’t working, shut it down. Sometimes people have to agree to disagree or sometimes simply walk away without solution. When someone has COM M UNI CATI ON nothing new to add and no I T ’ S R E A L LY T H E K E Y. solutions are possible, it’s time to walk away. 7
10/7/2017 CHOOSE TO COM M UNICATE IF ALL ELSE FAILS, IN A W AY THAT W ORKS TELL THE TRUTH. • The truth is personal and contains I statements. • If it’s not working, try another approach. • I’m doing the best I • Remember, it’s not personal, it’s an can. exchange of information…work toward the • I don’t deserve to solution. be shouted at • Focus on the issue. • It’s true, I haven’t called you back • It’s not a conspiracy to make you have a bad day. • Acknowledge the accuracies. CHOOSE YOUR M ODE OF IF YOU USE EM AIL… COM M UNICATION CAREFULLY • Proofread! • Remember, it’s a written record. Email is not a good • Consider who and where you are way to resolve sending it. conflict. • Don’t forward an email without permission from the original Face to Face discussion sender is best. Phone conversation if • IT’S NOT A GOOD CHOICE FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION. face to face isn’t possible. DON’T SW ING AT A PITCH IN KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE Just because the THE DIRT issue isn’t Ignore negative energy and rude disrespectful comments. They don’t important to you, deserve or need a response. doesn’t mean it’s Don’t be afraid to absorb some of not important. their energy by saying things like: “you might be right…,” “You have a Address issues and point…,” “Hmm, I haven’t facts, not people. considered that…” Leave the emotions Deflect energy by using humor only if out. it comes naturally and is appropriate. 8
10/7/2017 HAVE A PLAN W HAT CONFLICT IS NOT. Know how you’re going to It’s not a hatred or an respond. emotional feeling. Teach yourself to have People can have skilled responses. disagreements or Know what threatens you, conflict and still like learn to stop when you’re each other and/or care becoming defensive. about each other and Own your part of the problem. respect each other. Be as discreet as possible. AVOIDING CONFLICT ALTOGETHER Letting things build up contributes to explosiveness and perpetuates challenges. RESOLV I NG Suddenly (or not so CONFLI CT suddenly) the conflict resembles the S O M E T H I N G S YO U M AY WA N T TO AVO I D snowball effect. BEING DEFENSIVE DRAM ATIZING Try not to let it be When we feel hurt, about you, try to let misunderstood or disagree, we often want it be about the issue. to generalize or This will help you not dramatize the issue. to be defensive. For example, using Accept and try to words like “everyone is understand the other mad…” or “everything side, without feeling is all messed up…” or the need to defend “you always come home late.” yours. 9
10/7/2017 BEING RIGHT READING BETW EEN THE LINES Someone once said to me, “if faced with a choice of being Don’t decide you know right or being kind, choose how someone is feeling. kind.” For example if someone is late, try not to assume it’s because they don’t There are many perspectives care – ask! Don’t to issues, this does not attempt to read their necessarily mean there is a mind or assume. right and a wrong way to view it. DON’T FORGET TO LISTEN LACKING ACCOUNTABILITY It’s easy to blame Often we get so focused on someone else. The what we want to say next other person, a third or the point we MUST get party, anyone as long across, that we fail to as it’s not us. It’s listen. Listening is the important we take most critical element to responsibility for our resolution. part. COM PETING ATTACKING Resolving conflict does Trying to “win” the not include attacking the argument does not other person or their solve the challenge. character. Saying things This focus also like “you’re an idiot,” diminishes listening. “you don’t have any Work toward compassion,” etc. – this will create defensiveness understanding and on the other side and listening, not winning. loses site of the focus of the discussion 10
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